15 things I have learned in 15 years of marriage

Fifteen years ago this month, I got married.

He wasn’t my first love and he wasn’t the first man I ever fantasised about marrying. Because I’m the girl that fantasised about being a Mrs Somebody ever since I knew that was a thing. And I still have random pages, from decades ago, of doodles with Tania ‘surname’ signed in curly, girly writing with the ‘I’s dotted with love hearts.

But as it turned out, and luckily for me, he was the only man who ever actually asked ME to marry to him. And, obviously, I accepted. And we lived happily ever after.

Except not really.

Because over fifteen years ‘happy’ comes in waves and marriage looks a lot less like a fairytale romance and a lot more like real life and real life looks a lot like hard work.

But then nothing good comes easy… or for free.

I was raised by a single mum so I had no real life experience in marriage. The closest married role models I had were my grandparents, the one uncle that stayed married and my friend’s parents… and not all of their unions were what you would call ‘wedded bliss’.

So I’m sure you’ll understand that my pre-married life was not awash with any useful advice. Other than to find a ‘good man’ and marry him. Of course, a ‘good man’ is hard to define and so for years I didn’t understand that I had, in fact, found one. Years and years.

My husband is a good man. He’s a good husband and he’s a great father. He is more than I could have ever hoped for in a life partner and our marriage, surprisingly, is one of the good ones. 

But everything I know about marriage, I learnt on the job… and the hard way.

1. Wedded Bliss is not real

Even on the actual wedding night, we were too tired to bliss out and our definition of bliss changes as we grow. Sometimes it looks like time all by yourself because you feel so secure in your relationship. Other times it looks like a Sunday afternoon laying by the pool together while the boys jump in repeatedly trying to one-up each other. During ratings season it looks like sitting on the couch together drinking wine and watching zombie heads explode or gratuitous scenes of sex and violence in Westeros.

2. Growing old together is a blessing

I watch my husband’s health like a hawk. I need him around and healthy for at least another decade. Parenting is a tough gig and though I’m confident that I could, I have no interest or desire to do it on my own. I’m also too lazy to have to find another man. All that having to look your best and shaving is just so exhausting.

3. Passion is neither everything nor everlasting.

4. Your marriage must have room for your friends.

Always. There has to be another port in the storm for each of you. Someone who knows you, loves you and understands what’s important – but doesn’t want to root you.

5. You can go to bed angry

And still be ok the next morning. Sometimes all you both actually needed was some sleep. Being tired makes everything a million times worse and sometimes grown-ups are just like toddlers and really just need a nap. Adulting is so tiring!

6. A man is not an island

Unless they are an orphan or a migrant or in the witness protection program. But in my case, my man came with a family. Which is good for babysitting but not so good when shit goes down. Especially if it goes down in both extended families at the same time. That's when having a wine business comes in handy. Faaaaaark.

7. You can’t ever change your partner but you can teach them

All it takes are three words 1. Actions 2. Consequences 3. Consistency. Remember, grown-ups can be just like toddlers!

8. Play to each other’s strengths – not their weaknesses

9. Learn the art of compromise

This one was a tough one for me but it became much easier once I jumped in the deep end of compromise and became a mum. Now I’m compromising all over the place. Bastards. What about me?

10. Use Portfolios

Share the load without resentment.

In our house we have what look like figurative portfolios which makes our expectations of each other very clear.

Me – school, clothes, inside, social, shopping, cooking

Him – kids sport, cars, outside, bills, rubbish, maintenance

Shared – parenting

Outsourced – nowhere near enough…

11. Two toilets

The key to a happy marriage is not having to book in toilet time. Especially when your partner takes so fucking looooooong.

12. Don’t sweat the small stuff… most of the time

So he never puts the shopping away. Or makes the bed. He also never mistreats me. Or gives me reason to feel unloved. The small things he doesn't do will never outweigh the enormous things he doesn't do.

13. Babies will not fix a marriage in trouble

But they can make you love your partner more. So much more.

14. Familiarity does not always breed contempt

Listen up. This is a big one. I am a different woman today than I was fifteen years ago. My priorities are totally different. As are my opinions, intolerances, acceptances and boobs. Growing alongside someone in a safe and secure environment helps all the good emotions develop and as you grow, so does your love. It may look different - 'cause it's all wrapped up in someone else's 'stuff' - but that's the magic of togetherness. My love for him has changed. It's deepened and grown and the more familiar he is to me, the more I love him. 

15. We're all in the same boat

It may look like your friends are doing the whole 'life' thing better than you are. Maybe they are but they're probably not. Everyone has their challenges and every relationship has their ups. And downs. Some stuff I know we don't do anywhere near as well as our friends do. Some stuff I know we do far better. Sometimes I feel like we're happier than anyone we know and sometimes I feel like everyone else is living a fairytale and we're in a nightmare. 

That's the thing about these long-term relationships. You get to experience ALL the emotions in them. Love, jealousy, boredom, temptation, commitment, fear, grief, joy, exhaustion, elation, confusion and adoration. 

And my most favourite - gratefulness. 

The Vitamin Pill

You know how sometimes there are people in your life that you just like even though your lives are so crazy different that it seems unlikely to anyone else? Well we had lunch with those people on the weekend. They have one grown up daughter, two nearly grown up kids and a just turned 8 year old little girl. They are laid back folk. They live on a farm in a house they built themselves that sits, seemingly, in the middle of nowhere. During lunch their pet lamb walked in to the house and sat under the dining table until dad picked it up so it could nibble his ear. What. The. Fuck. And they all laughed at my confusion and disdain that a farm animal was sitting at the table. Our differences are as stark as they are well-received and good-natured. We’re bright people who get that we’re different and celebrate our own self-imposed diversity. We can do this because there is something deep that ties us. Something intrinsic to our values that unites us as friends. Comrades if you like.

It’s the ‘sex is unnecessary now that we have kids’ ethos.

If you know what I’m talking about then you will be nodding and searching my blog for contact details so we can do lunch right now. Our comrades have been married a few years longer than we have but they’re the same vintage. They’re happy together, like us, and they have the same goals as each other, like us, and they’re not having any more kids, like us. And when we all get together it’s always the same. The boys compare stories of how long it’s been between drinks and the girls square their shoulders defiantly and give a proverbial high-five to each other as we realise we’re not alone in our resistance to the late night shoulder tap when you’re just about to slip into that deep, delicious sleep. 

But this time the boys wheeled out the big guns. No longer content to refer to the latest Cosmo tips for orgasms, today they went for medical research.

“Do you know what I read the other day? Studies have shown that semen has anti-depressant properties and that women who have a lot of semen aren’t depressed”.

Seriously.

To which I wish my response was “Yes, that would be true. Women who have lots of sea men are generally single, childless and very, very happy” but instead was:

“Oh my god... here we fucking go”

The ensuing debate on the health benefits of sperm was as ridiculous as it was unproductive, so to speak. Lots of rolling eyes from the wives and lots of guffawing and nudging from the husbands. Lunch was served. The boys conceded. And the boys kept their vitamins to themselves for a bit longer.

And so now I ask you, has your guy ever tried to tell you that a shot of semen is just like one big vitamin pill? Or, dear male reader, have YOU ever used that incredibly compelling argument in your quest to get laid?

Please... share x

27 reasons women don’t want to have sex

Hey guys.

How many times have you had sex this month? 

Not as many as you would like, I bet.

Well, there’s a reason for that and it’s probably on this list...

1. You don’t pay any attention to our mind’s needs.

Surely by now you know that the best foreplay is that which involves stimulating our mind first. Not sure what that involves? Talking. About stuff that interests us. Not sure what interests us? It's going to be a long time between drinks for you buddy.

2. You don’t make any effort to get us in the mood.

See above

3. You don’t clean up after yourself.

We get sick of doing all the cleaning. Especially cleaning up after you. Pick up after yourself and then maybe you’ll ‘pick up’.

4. We’re tired.

That’s a legitimate reason. Maybe if we didn’t have to do all your fucking washing, we would have more energy.

5. We spend our whole life looking after your kids first, your home second and ourselves last. There’s not a lot left for you.
Yes, it’s in that order. If you want to change it, try helping out at home and there may be something left for you.

6. We’re bored.

Beware the bored woman. We end up online or scrapbooking or eating.

7. We don’t like the way our bodies feel/look.

Our body changed after childbirth and we haven’t reconciled that yet. Or we’ve hit forty and the boobs have hit the floor. Unlike you guys, the way we feel about ourselves affects our libido. Right or wrong, that’s a fact.

8. We really do have a head ache.

Again, legitimate reason. The last thing you want when your head is pounding, is a pounding. Right?

9. We’re scared the kids are going to walk in.

Do I need to explain this?

10. We’re annoyed that you just don’t get it.

The fact that someone has to write a list about all the reasons we don’t want to have sex with you is a turn off.

11. You think your hard dick is our responsibility.

It’s not. You wake up with that thing. Sort it out.

12. You need to have sex to feel loved. We need to feel loved to have sex. STALEMATE

13. We’ve just had a baby.

And there are a hundred reasons that varies from woman to woman. From stitches to c-sections to extra, extra weight, to uncontrollable emotions, to pain, to haemorrhoids, to bleeding. We’ve just had a baby. Give us a break.  

14. We’re breastfeeding.

And suddenly our boobs take on a whole new meaning for us. They’re feeding your baby and that’s not as easy and gorgeous as it looks. Our nipples are cracked and our breasts are sore. They probably leak and we feel very much like a cow. That’s not a fuckable feeling.

15. We don’t want to get pregnant... again.

What’s the ONLY way we know that’s not going to happen?? You got it. Just say ‘no’.

16. Your mother is in the next room.

That’s all.

17. It’s too cold.

18. It’s too hot.

19. We have our period.

That means bleeding and cramps. In the legs, in the back, in the stomach. Very unsexy.

20. We’re just not interested in sex at the moment.

21. We just had sex yesterday.

You want to do it again?

22. We just had sex last week.

You want to do it again?

23. You take too long.

Hurry up. There are kids in the house and your mum’s in the next room and your washing needs to be done.

24. You don’t take long enough.

Is that it? FFS. Give us a minute to get there too.

25. We just got our hair done.

That’s expensive. Don’t mess it up.

26. We resent your freedom.

We’ve had your baby[s] and you remain unchanged. We’re dealing with changed bodies and changed lifestyles. Our emotions are inextricably linked to our children and for some of us that’s a massive adjustment to take on. Some of us are housebound. Some of us are depressed. All of us are tired. You go to work. Talk to grown-ups. Play golf. Ride your bike. Come home and want sex. Ummm... no thanks. Arsehole.

27. You're not Christian Grey. 

Disclaimer #1 – this list is NOT about me and my husband [though I did contribute to it]. It’s a compilation from my friends and their husbands.

Disclaimer #2 – I KNOW this is a generalisation and I KNOW it’s written from a heterosexual, middle-aged, mother's perspective. It’s the only perspective I have.

This list is, by no means, complete... Can you contribute?

Raising Men

It’s not so easy to be a man today. What is a good man these days? Do you know? Do you think your son knows?

I have always had my feet planted firmly in the raising adults camp as opposed to the raising kids playground. It just makes sense to me. Start as you mean to go on and all that kind of logic. Having two sons means that I am deeply entrenched in the business of raising men. Good men. Men who will succeed in love and life and happiness and self. It is one of the greatest challenges of parenthood to have the foresight to teach the right lessons for an outcome that may not even exist.

I am constantly, CONSTANTLY thinking about the right lessons to teach my boys but, to be perfectly basic, it’s just so confusing. I am an empowered woman. I am empowered because my society has empowered me. Our focus has been and is to teach girls that we can be anything we want to be. Anything. Because the greatest power you can bestow upon someone is freedom. Choice. Independent thought. I know what a good woman is. A good woman is anything you want to be – unless you’re a bad mother. That is the mother of all sins in womanhood... pardon the pun. You can choose not have children. You can choose to adopt your children out. You can choose multiple fathers for your children. You can even choose to end a pregnancy to avoid having children. But if you’re shit at raising them... god fucking help you. 

I digress.

How can I teach my sons to celebrate their own selves when there is very little room to do that? 

Consider this – a young girl doesn’t like to wear dresses so much. She prefers to rough and tumble in a pair of shorts on the soccer field. Her parents are so proud and delighted that she’s so strong willed. They call her a tomboy. She’ll be able to do anything when she’s older, their friends say. On the other hand there’s  a young boy who’s not so keen on sport. He prefers to play music and dress ups and have tea parties. He likes pink. He’s interested in mum’s make-up and likes the feel of silk on his skin. His parents try to channel his masculine spirit into any sport then can. They downplay his creativity. They call him different. He’ll probably be gay, their friends say. As if that's a destination or a definition.

A strong willed girl is going places. A strong willed boy will have anger management issues. An emotional girl is understood. An emotional boy is a cry baby. A boy who gets into a playground fight school is aggressive and a trouble maker. A girl who gets into a playground fight at school is tough and can ‘hold her own’.

Don’t mollycoddle your boys is the message I get loud and clear. They should be strong. Why are you crying little Johnny? Only girls cry... are you a girl? So, girls are allowed to cry and fight. They’re allowed to be girlie and tough. But boys? Boys are expected to act like men.  

And how should a man ‘act’? In this age where the traditional family unit is predominantly non-existent, there are no more villages to raise our children and we have CONSTANT access to every type of media, our boys’ role models are confusing. And, I suspect, confused. How does our society focus on our men today? By adoring massive sporting idols covered in tattoos who drink too much, take drugs, mistreat women and believe in their own infallibility so much that they jump from the sky expecting to survive. By glorifying our criminals in ridiculous television franchises like Underbelly. Today’s male tv sitcom characters are socially inept geeks, bumbling idiots, overtly camp or useless husbands berated by their wives. Our male politicians are represented as sexist, racist, backstabbers or just dickheads.

What the fuck happened to our men?

For me to raise good men I must be able to explain what a ‘good’ man is. I think this will mean explaining to my sons that, like their female friends, they also have choices. They can choose their own paths too. To be sporty, to be musical, to be creative, to be tough, to be emotional, to be open, to be loving, to be scared, to be brave, to dance, to be true, to cry, to be shy, to sing, to be competitive, to be alone, to be honest, to like dressing up, to be a reader, to be dependable.

Could a 'good man' simply just be a grown-up 'good boy', after all?

In a minute

I went back to work today after two weeks home with the family for the holidays. On the quiet, blissful drive into the city, I thought about all the things I was sick of saying and sick of hearing. I can write about it calmly and with perspective because I'm alone at the moment. 

I have no need to repeat myself. Again. And again. 

There is no need to raise my voice or stamp my foot or slam my open palm on the kitchen bench yelling 'that's enough!' 

I have no urge to mutter 'for fuck's sake' through my clenched teeth while breathing in long, slow and deep breaths. 

I am not hiding behind the locked bathroom door to escape the madness for a couple of minutes and I am not glaring at my husband's back as he is doing something so important on his iPhone/iPad/iMac/iSuck that he seems not to hear the madness.

Lalalalalala... I may open a bottle of wine and raise my glass to the silence.


Top 10 most repeated things I've said this summer so far:

"In a minute"

"You have 5 more minutes"

"Sit properly at the table"

"Don't hit your brother"

"No"

"Brush your teeth"

"One... two.... " [I don't often get to three but when I do...]

"Now with your manners"

"Shut the back door"

"Wash your hands"


Top 10 most repeated things I've heard this summer so far:

"I'm bored"

"What can we do now?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"You promised!"

"It's not fair"

"Can we go to...?"

"When?"

"Mum"

"He hit me!"


I plan to say more of:

"Ask your father"

"Yes"

"Have fun"

"See you when I get back"

What about you? What are you sick to death of saying??

Dear Men

Hello, my name is Tan and I'm a sexist.

No really.

If anyone unintended read my personal text exchanges with my friends [who are also sexists], I would never get another job, according to the recent backlash afforded the Australian ex-speaker, Mr Slipper.

And before any of you get all up in arms about it, this is not a political post. I am not sharing my political opinion and I'm not interested in yours. I am, however, using his recent scandal as a segue to my confession of being a sexist. Which I am. And because I like to be topical.

Men, this is why you shit me:

1. Shut the fuck up about women nagging you. You are being nagged because you don't fucking listen. If you did, you wouldn't have to be asked again. You either have a hearing problem or you're an idiot. Either way, it's annoying.

2. You are not allowed to use the term 'man-flu' in defence of your ridiculous inability to cope with a cold. We made that term up as an insult to you.

3. Ditto the term 'boy's look'. OPEN YOUR EYES. If there is a pile of stuff LOOK THROUGH IT. If it's not in your drawer LOOK IN THE LAUNDRY. If it's not in the laundry LOOK ON THE CLOTHES LINE. If it's not on the clothes line it's probably still on the bedroom floor NEXT TO THE CLOTHES BASKET where you left it.

4. An impromptu display of affection does not mean you're 'in'.

5. Zara = Bunnings. Got it?

6. FYI, your sexy bits ain't that attractive either... and at least we don't have ours out at every opportunity including, but certainly not limited to, drunken social events.

7. YOUR arse looks fat in those jeans. If you gave a shit enough about how you looked and asked us, we'd tell you.

8. Your woman bending down in front of you is NOT an invitation to dry hump her. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you an animal?

9. Hey moron in the corner office with the inflated salary... who'd YOU sleep with to get there? 'Cause you certainly didn't earn it with your personality or intellect.

10. Do you like the way your home looks and feels? It's because of the throw cushions - GET OVER IT.

11. What makes you think you need to keep your back to the wall at a gay function?? Straight women aren't interested in you so you can bet the far more discerning gay guy isn't going to be either. Probably due to point number 7.

12. Porn is porn. The articles are irrelevant.

13. When I hear that you like women's southern parts to be hairless it makes me think you like little girls. Do you?

14. The Godfather Trilogy are movies not a religion. Reciting lines from them doth not a gangster make.

15. Our current Prime Minister is a woman. She earned that role. She worked hard doing what she believed in and reached the top of her career path. She is the boss of our country [as described by my 7 year old son] swimming against the testosterone tide with her head held high and I'm proud of her. Because she's a woman. So shut up.

16. Strippers, exotic dancers et al are SOMEONE'S daughter. They could be yours one day... especially if you teach her that men are attracted to that type of behaviour and they can earn good money from dancing, semi-naked on some bloke's lap.

17. Women menstruate. Every month. It enables us to bear YOUR children. Be grateful.

18. What do we SEE in Brad Pitt and Daniel Craig??? pfft.

19. You are not doing us a FAVOUR when you bring the clothes in off the line or do the grocery shopping or make the bed. Unless you are a GUEST and then you should refrain from farting in front of us and give chocolates and/or wine to thank us for our hospitality.

20. Taking half an hour to take a shit is revolting. How can it be comfortable to sit on the toilet with your pants around your ankles and your arse in the breeze for that long? And don't start with that bullshit about the only place you can get peace. Please refer to point number 1.


OH and just in case my boss is reading this [Hi H!], please don't sack me because I'm a sexist. I promise it won't affect my performance at work xx

50 shades of twilight...

So I finally met Christian Grey, I mean Mr Grey, I mean Sir. Excuse me while I fan myself.

At first I thought it was just me as I found myself replacing Christian's name with Edward and Anastasia's name with Bella until I discovered that the Fifty Shades story began as a fan lit of the Twilight series. That made more sense but it still astounds me that this other worldwide reading phenomenon rests on the same fantastical dynamic. Super powerful, unnaturally handsome, wealthy, calm independent man who drives exotic sportscars unsuccessfully warns away super inexperienced, awkward, young, unwittingly gorgeous virgin from their dark embrace. Familiar? It's Twilight. Minus the vampire. Plus kinky fuckery.

Who knew that women wanted this? I certainly didn't know and to be honest, I'm confused. It was not long ago that we were all sexually empowered thanks to Sex and The City. Hang on a minute... cue another gorgeous, powerful, wealthy unattainable man ready to save our heroine from average sex and loneliness. I digress. Sexually empowered nay, encouraged to sow our sexual oats. Poor, inexperienced and awkward Charlotte was NOT the girl you wanted to relate to. No. Women wanted to dress like Carrie, fuck like Sam and practice law like the red head. But Charlotte? Not so much. Now, it seems that awkward is the new black. NOT knowing you're attractive is how we should be playing it. And if you can possibly bite your lip every time you talk to a gorgeous man, then get ready to explode in a flurry of orgasms against a wall in an elevator.

I was initially uncomfortable reading this trilogy. I'm not into that whole BSDM thing. The red room of pain does not float my boat and if someone takes a riding crop to my arse, they'd better make it worth it 'cause I guarantee it will be the last thing they do... but as I read through the trilogy, I did work out that it wasn't really about the sex. It couldn't be. Those scenes were poorly written and annoying to be honest. I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart rate didn't increase many times during the book but it was the development of their relationship that got me there... and maybe when they were in the shower and that time on the piano and in the front seat of the car... Ahem. It certainly was not Ana's infuriating 'inner goddess' that we had to keep hearing about. Or the fact that she referred to her vagina as her 'sex' or the weird way her inner dialogue would exclaim 'oh my' as his demand for her to come would be her 'undoing'... or the very fact that she could have an orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME he told her to. huh??? 

So, as I was saying, at first I was uneasy. I didn't want to read about a submissive girl [she ain't no woman at only 22] being beaten and demoralised by anyone. As it turns out, I didn't have to. She never becomes his 'sub' though she does enjoy the role playing [shudder]. He does, in fact, love her and really the joy of the story is reading about how much he wants to protect her and cherish her. And THIS is what I think women are addicted to. 

Guys... hold your horses and don't order those handcuffs just yet. Yes, the books have been dubbed 'mummy porn' but the porn factor is in the way this man loves his girl. Picture this... an amazingly handsome, incredibly fit, unspeakably wealthy horn bag falls for your wife/girlfriend. Don't think he won't 'cause he doesn't expect her to be gorgeous or well-dressed or sophisticated or independent or wealthy or single herself. He falls for her and courts her by - wait for it - DEVOTING HIS TIME TO HER. By buying her clothes that suit and fit her. By remembering her favourite book. By making her playlists and delivering them to her on her own iPod. By interrupting his very busy day to write her emails. By always taking her call. By making sure she eats well. By begging to take her shopping. By washing, brushing and plaiting her hair. He buys her a couple of cars. The latest Apple hardware. Christian Louboutin heels. A publishing company. A mansion. When she complains, once, that she hasn't seen her friends in a while he flies all of them to his house in Aspen on his own private jet for the weekend. His favourite past time is watching her sleep, he loves his mum and he totally ignores all other women. 

He's old-fashioned and millions of women have voted that an alpha male is what they're yearning. They like that he tells her what to do. They like that he takes care of business. They like that he can fuck her up against a wall and then tenderly pick her up in his gorgeous arms and take her to bed to watch her sleep... while her plays the piano into the early hours of the morning in nothing but some low slung track pants. They like that he has a housekeeper to make that bed and keep her fed and do the laundry. They want what she's having... ALL OF IT.

Women are not leaving their husbands because they've suddenly discovered a penchant for anal plugs and nipple clamps. They have layed in bed, next to their snoring, overweight, disinterested, pissed-off-that-you-even-need-to-buy-clothes [let alone know what size you are], struggling-to-make-ends-meet, footy-watching, fantastically boring, selfish husbands reading the greatest fairytale ever written.

So if you want to save your marriage from the Fifty Shades of Grey breakdown, here's what you have to do. Remember when you first fell in love with your wife/partner. When you didn't want to fart in front of her. When her body delighted you and you couldn't get enough of it. When you would make time to call her. When getting a call from her during your work day was a welcome distraction and not a chore. When you would happily give up watching some crap on tv to share a glass of wine outside on a warm night. When making love to her took longer than seven minutes in the dark and you would scream out her name instead of grunting. When her laugh made you warm inside. When you yearned to be with her always. Then... let her see that woman in your eyes. 

And if all else fails... spank her. Apparently that's what women want too ;)