The First Boy I Ever Loved

I want to tell you about my brother… but I can’t.

I want to tell you about his heart and about his successes and about his struggles. I want to share with you what I see when I look at him. I want to tell you how strong he his. I want you to know what amazing things he has done with himself and his life.

I want to tell you but I can’t.

I have these stories about my brother that will amaze you. There are things I could tell you that would move you. The paths he has travelled would blow your mind. I want to tell you.

I want to tell everyone. But I can’t.

I wish I could share my perspective of my brother with the whole world. I want the world to know what an incredible soul walks among us. I want to tell you how his life has taught me. I want you to see how his love has healed me.

But I can’t.

I want everyone who knows me today to understand that before they did, I was first his sister. I want to tell you why being his sister has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. I want you to understand why that though it seems like I am the strong one it has always been him. I want to tell you the reason I would not be the mother I am today if it were not for my brother. I want to explain to you how I would not be the woman I am today if it were not for my brother. I want to share how he taught me to love and how he taught me to forgive. I want you to see how I have always felt stronger with him by my side. I want you to know that he was the first person who made me want to be better.

I want to. But I can’t.

My brother guards his heart. My brother guards his stories. So I love him completely and quietly. I don’t share his stories. I don’t share our memories. I stand with him and help him guard his heart. I stand quiet and proud that I am his sister, though I can never tell you why.

What I can tell you is that he is 40 today. I have loved this man for forty years. I have looked upon his face as it has grown and I have smiled into his eyes a million times. I have cheered him on at soccer carnivals and screamed encouragement at BMX races. I have consoled women who have loved him and sniggered with mates who have adored him. I have been scared that I will never see him again. I have rolled my eyes at some seriously stupid shit he’s done. I have whipped his arse at Monopoly and spent hours playing UNO and Pick-Up Sticks. I have fought hard against him in stand-offs neither of us wanted to back down from. I have laughed until I cried listening to his boyhood tales and have cried until I have laughed commiserating with him. My brother and I have survived losing our father and very nearly our way together.  

I can tell you that Jason was the first boy that I ever loved and though you may never know why, I am one lucky woman to call him my brother.

Happy Birthday Jase. Love you little bro x