30 Lessons in Love

Dear Boys,

because mummy loves you, I'm going to help you out with a few tips. Well, thirty actually. It's not a complete list but it's a good start. You can thank me later xx

1. If she’s just broken up with her ex – stay away for a while. The rebound guy never wins.

2. Be chivalrous

3. If you ask her out – you pay... for everything.

4. If you pick her up, go to the door and knock. Don’t sit in the car and beep.

5. If you drop her off, walk her to the door or front gate. The same goes for when she leaves your place, walk her to the door or the front gate. It's manners.

6. If you love her – tell her. Many times and in many ways. There is no shame in love.

7. If you love someone else – you shouldn’t be with her.

8. If she lives at home, do not call after 9.30pm.

9. If she’s studying – let her. Encourage her even. You may end up spending the rest of your life with her.

10. No really does mean no. All the time. When she’s pissed. When you’re pissed. Even if your hand’s up her top. Or her bra’s undone. Or you’re half way through. You do not have the rights to her because she’s your girlfriend.

11. If she wants to hang out with her girlfriends don't whinge that she'd rather be with them than you. Be thankful that she has her own life and for the time you can hang out with your mates.

12. Don’t be too eager. It’s gross.

13. If you need to cry, that’s ok. Just don’t make it that ugly cry. That’s a huge turn off.

14. Go clothes shopping with her. It’s more fun than you think.

15. Don’t try to be one of the girls. Her friends will think it’s weird. And yuck.

16. Don’t talk to her in a stupid baby voice.

17. If you’re gonna have nicknames for each other, make them G rated. You’d be surprised just how easily they slip out at the worst possible times.

18. Orgasms are a joint venture. You should be aiming for a win/win result.

19. Brush your teeth.

20. Do not expect her to be responsible for contraception. Wear a condom. I’ll buy them for you if I have to. And don’t let me hear that you won’t because it doesn’t feel as good. Know what feels worse? Months WITHOUT having sex because of your BABY. Oh and herpes. If it’s not on, it’s not on.

21. These girls are not options – your friend’s mum. Your friend’s daughter. Your cousin. Your teacher. The emo [too much baggage]. The goth [too black]. The gold digger. Your brother’s girlfriend. The one that’s rude to your mum.

22. Hip Hop music is fun but it ain’t no way to treat yo woman... dawg

23. Don’t fart in front of her. Or on top of her. Or in her face. Or in bed and then put the covers over her head.

24. Don’t say anything if she accidentally farts in front of you. She’s probably DYING inside.

25. Be respectful to her parents. Both of them. Whether they’re still together or not. And DO NOT swear in front of them.

26. If you expect her to play some video game of mass destruction with you then she can expect you to watch a chick flick with her. Do not roll your eyes or sigh or say ‘as if’ or ‘gay’ or spoil it for her. Just hold her hand. It will earn you massive ‘love’ credits.

27. If she’s silly enough to send you nude photos of herself, do not show them to your mates. Even after you’ve split up.

28. Your erection is not her responsibility. Even if she’s responsible for it. Carry a spoon around in your back pocket if you can’t sort yourself out.

29. When she says "It’s not you, it’s me"... agree and move on. She’s probably right.

30. Do not get a tattoo of any girl’s name. Unless her name is ‘Mum’.

DISCLAIMER: where appropriate, please use ‘boy, ‘he’ and ‘him’ in place of ‘girl’, ‘she’ and ‘her’  ;)

Big dreams in little bodies

It's been a big week for the boys.

School's back and that means the return of routine, early morning, get-ready fights, book covering and reunited friends. 

Nathan is doing cricket, tennis and swimming this term. He also starts pre-season soccer training. He just got back from a weekend away, boogie boarding with his best mate at Middleton. I ribbed him when he got home, his hair stiff with salt and sand still in his eyebrows "So, did you get sick of Charlie while you were there?". He looked at me, simultaneously perplexed and disgusted... 

"Mum. He's my best friend. You don't get sick of your best friend". Boom. 

Nathan's not much of a socialiser, unless it involves sport. So this year, again, he has opted to forego a birthday party for a trip to Melbourne to watch his beloved Blues instead. He's heavily campaigning that Charlie goes too. We've got a couple of months to work all that out but Nathan's a planner. He's really keen to start making some connections at the club because he intends to be drafted before he turns 18. Which, of course, means we will need to move to Melbourne. He understands that it could be difficult for Stefan to leave school though, so he's already in discussion with his Aunty Pauline to move in with her until we're ready to follow him over there. Righto. 

Then, over dinner this week, he announced that it was probably time for him to start working in the family business. Which, of course, is our hope too but we were expecting him to finish school first. He made a reasonable case that he could work part-time and even from home if the business would supply him with a lap-top and a phone. He could help pack wine but he doesn't have a forklift licence, so he probably couldn't do that yet. Mark said he's discuss with the board and get back to him. 

Meanwhile Stefan is, as always, travelling to the beat of his own drum. As he sat at the breakfast bar watching me cook dinner this week he asked when I would allow him to get a tattoo. He thought he might like one on his arm to begin with and thinks a dragon might be appropriate. I've always known his penchant for pictures on his skin as he's been doing his own texta tattoos since he was a baby. I was taken aback though, that he is keen on piercings too. He calls them screws. Screws in the skin. Sigh. 

I told him that we would talk about it later which he seemed to accept. His next request was for a blue mohawk. Are you picturing what I am? My beautiful boy with the sides of his head shaved, a bright blue spikey strip down the middle, a dragon sleeve on his arm and screws coming out of his face. 

I wonder if he will still sneak into my bedroom in the morning, hold my face in his hands and kiss me, whispering 'I love you mum' while he thinks I'm sleeping. 

He has no plan to play footy or live in Melbourne with his brother. He talks about having lunch with me at the Eiffel Tower and he fiercely disagrees with Nathan that Psy is the best singer in the world. "Adele has the best voice. Ever. Even better than Michael Jackson. Because he's dead." He told me, on the way home from a trip to the beach where Mark and the boys did some body surfing in the shallows, that he was going to teach his kids to do that too. "When I'm a Tato [dad], I'll stay with them in the water until they know how to do it. They'll love that Mum. They're gonna love me" 

Time has a way of creeping up on you. It can steal your plans and hijack your dreams and slap you in the face with stinging reality.

I'm excited that my boys can see their futures. I'm proud that they're navigating their way through life and setting goals for authentic journeys. It warms my heart that they value good friendships and understand the important things that parents do and see no shame in loving. 

I just wish that time would slow down a little. 

Am I happy that my sons share their dreams and have these conversations with me? Absolutely. 

I just didn't expect them to be 7 and 5 when they did.

Body Love xx

This image came up on my Facebook newsfeed this morning...

It resonated with me BIG TIME. As I have grown up [and out] I have really learned to appreciate who I am, what I've done and my authenticity.

As a younger woman, I struggled with all that. I hated so many things about me from the things I thought to the way I looked to the things other people thought and to the way they saw me too. At various times I was too skinny, too fat, too dark, too dimply, too Asian. My breasts weren't big enough. My bum was too big. My teeth were too crooked. My toes were too long. My finger nails weren't long enough. My hair was too straight. My arms were too hairy. My tummy was too flabby. My thighs were too stretch-marked. I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't rich enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't popular enough. 

So, guess what I did?

I faked it. I tried to fit in. I tried to be the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Sometimes it worked. Most times it didn't. Almost every time, it meant a compromise of my authentic self. It made for bad choices, unhappy times, crazy fashion mistakes and toxic relationships. I know you know what I'm talking about. It's called teenage-hood.

Now... I couldn't give a shit and that feels AWESOME. 

I don't have daughters but I want my sons to grow up knowing that their mum loves herself. I want them to become men who think the most beautiful women are the real ones. The ones that know themselves. The ones that don't compromise their authenticity for anyone. I want them to see the most influential woman in their young lives being comfortable in her own skin. Being unapologetic about her body, her feelings, her fears and her love. Not in a creepy Oedipus way but in a 'my mum's cool and happy' way.

So, here goes. 

I LOVE my body... I love that I'm soft. I love that my hips are wide enough to bear children without complication. I love that my tummy has a pot. I love that my breasts bear the signs of nourishing two babies for years. I love the freckles I've earned from time outside in the sun. I love my shoulders. I love my hair. I love my strength. 

Are you brave enough to say what you love about your body??

A study of mums at school...

7 mothers you'll meet through your kids

So I’m entering my third year of being a school mum. When your kid starts school – it’s like your first day too. Who will you meet? Will they like you? Will you like them? It has been interesting to me, since becoming a mum, the network you become a part of. The kindergym mums, the swimming lesson mums, the kindy mums, the Montessori mums, the playgroup mums and so on. I found myself weeding and sorting and sometimes picking the best of a bad bunch to align myself with. Other times being overwhelmed at the really good selection of new friends. I have seen a recurring type of mum over the last 7 years. A few in fact. Do you recognize any of these?

The Desperado

This Mum has an annoying kid – and she knows it. None of the other kids want to play with hers so she’s desperate to make friends with you so you can hang out and she can bring along her annoying kid to your playdates. She injects herself into conversations with you and other mums and laughs a little too loud at all your jokes and tells stories about her kid that you know are actually dreams. I always end up being friends with this mum.

The Teacher’s Pet

That was her position when she was in school and she wants her kids to follow in her footsteps. She’s the one on every committee, at every excursion and working at every fundraiser. Her kid is the one hugging past and present teachers and bringing in homemade gifts. I treat them with the same disdain as I did from the back of the class when I was in school.

The Recently Separated

This poor mum is a wreck. She’s missing out on every event and feeling terrible about it. Her kid is always in the wrong uniform, or costume and missing out casual days because they fall on dad’s days and he ‘never f*cking remembers anything’.

The Perpetually Separated

This mum looks hot. All the time. Your partner probably knows her name and feels sorry for the rough time that she’s having bringing up Dick and Jane on her own. I try not to stand too close to her in my leggings, oversized jumper and bed-hair bun.

The Functioning Alcoholic

This mum talks about drinking every time you see her. She’s either nursing a hangover, planning afterschool drinks or on her way to a liquid lunch. She brings grown-up bubbles to every event she’s invited to… including morning tea. You know her husband’s a useless prick.

The CEO

Who’s ever even seen this mum? She’s the one in the Mercedes Sports Car with tinted windows dropping her kid off at kiss and drop and picking them up from after school care. When you do see her, she’s on her phone negotiating a million dollar deal. I have CEO envy.

The Judgmental Bitch

This mum is standing in the playground watching your every move…and then blogging about it ;)