Fuck Luck

I live a good life. 

Though not for everyone, I recognise that it’s an enviable life for many and that many people think that I am lucky. I know this because I’m told, often. Like it’s a compliment. But it’s not.

I am a first generation Australian. I was born to two European immigrants. My French father and my Dutch-Indonesian mother met in a migrant hostel in South Australia, fell in love and something, something… had two healthy, smart and able kids.

So I AM lucky to be born in Australia. Lucky and grateful. I am lucky to be born healthy, of mind, body and spirit. Lucky and grateful. I am lucky that I was born to a family that held ‘family’ in high regard so that I was raised with love. I’m lucky that the role models in my life were good and strong. I am lucky that my mum is the woman she is and therefore the parent she is. I am lucky that the next man she chose to be her husband would turn out to be the perfect step-father.

I am also lucky that I made it to womanhood, largely unscathed and now have two healthy, smart and able sons. I thank the universe for that good fortune every day.

I do feel lucky for all these incredibly positive things in my life because I had no impact on them. They were bestowed upon me thanks to genetics and thanks to the decisions and choices of my parents, their parents and the generations before them.

What I am not lucky for is everything else that people see in my life today. And be fucked if I’m going to smile and ‘yes, you’re right’ when someone suggests that I am.

Especially about the following ‘compliments’.

You’re so lucky you have a good husband.

My husband is a great partner. He is kind and loyal and reliable. He is loving and respectful. He is generous and supportive. He is strong and present and generally shares the same values as I do. He encourages me to follow my dreams and stands strong whenever I need to weather a personal storm.

But it is not an accident that we are together. Our marriage wasn’t arranged by a third party. At the time of meeting my [now] husband I was dating several other blokes… with an indecent amount of ex-boyfriends in my wake. I was trying before I did any buying. In the time that we have known each other we have dated each other, lived together, broken up, dated other people and got back together. When I said ‘yes’ to his proposal, I already KNEW he would be a good husband. That’s WHY I said ‘yes’. In the fifteen years that we have been married we have struggled, grown, aged, argued, weathered hard times and very nearly and irrevocably separated. Luck has not kept us together. Hard work has.

When we brought our first baby home we were CLUELESS. So we carved out a plan for how we wanted our family’s life to look and we stuck to the plan together. Accountable to each other and encouraging of each other. We headed in the same direction, side by side. He decided he wanted to be the best father he could be and I wanted to be the best mother I could be. So I spend every day doing what I can to achieve that goal. He does the same. He CHOOSES to be present and engaged and invested in his sons. We fuck up a lot but we hold each other accountable to those aspirations every day. 

No luck. No accident. No magic.

You’re so lucky you live in a beautiful home.

I have a beautiful home. It’s GORGEOUS. I am illogically and unreasonably emotionally attached to it. I actually love my home. With real feelings in my heart. It’s what I call my ‘forever home’ and if I had my way I would spend the rest of my days here. After renting for years, the last home I had I built with my husband. We worked crazy hard to build it for as little as possible so we could sell it making the maximum, honest profit… which we then used as a deposit on my ‘forever home’ which we substantially renovated.

We have sacrificed holidays, new cars and extravagant life choices to live in this house. There are many days when we reevaluate and question whether it’s worth it. My answer, every time, is “it is.” Those choices are not for everyone, we know, and we have many friends who prioritise other things like international travel with their family higher than a massive real estate commitment… and we have both been envious of each other’s choices at various times of our lives. Are they lucky to be able to travel regularly? Or have they engineered their life’s decisions around their priorities?

You’re lucky you can stay home with your kids and not have to work.

When I was ‘surprised’ by the arrival of a new life in my womb I had my own menswear boutique where I sold my own-label, imported men’s shirts ties and cufflinks. Before then I had worked full-time since the age of sixteen.

Once we got over the shock of being pregnant we had many candid talks about what we thought our family would look like and we both agreed that we didn’t want our child/children to go into childcare. One of us had to stay home with them and I chose to be the one. Which meant that I had to close my business and give up earning an income to do so.

My husband also has his own business selling wine [now online] that he started when we were first together. We have both worked hard to support each other in our professional lives.

If you’ve ever run your own business you’ll know that it is incredibly taxing and I’m not just talking about tax. It takes an enormous level of commitment, sacrifice and lean living. It also takes tenacity. In business, especially, you make your own luck. When you run your own business it becomes part of the family and though I no longer have my own business, I spend many hours every week with my head in my husband’s business.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not the good little woman at home lucky to have a man bring home the bacon. My man brings home the bacon because he doesn’t have to worry about cooking it. He also doesn’t have to worry about school commitments, sick children, grocery shopping, clean sheets on the bed or jocks in his drawer.

Of course, becoming a single-income household was not without its challenges and it meant that we had to tighten our belts.

We don’t go to stage shows that are touring or attend concerts of any artists other than our kids. We haven’t been to all the new restaurants in town [or even many of the old ones]. We don’t often go to the movies and we usually choose to have our coffee at home instead of in a café. We do A LOT of entertaining at home. In our gorgeous house. We’re prepared to sacrifice lifestyle but we will always invest in our friends and family. And there’s no point in having such a big, beautiful home if you’re not going to fill it, often, with people you love.

You’re lucky that you have such good friends.

You know now that I think about it, I think I only ever hear that from my friends :)

But I’m not alone. I hear people say ‘you’re so lucky’ to women particularly ALL.THE.TIME. And I hear good, strong and capable women take it on the chin far too often. I’ve heard people say ludicrous fucking statements like “Oh you’re LUCKY that you have a husband/partner to BABYSIT your kids” NO. One does not ‘babysit’ one’s own offspring. One parents them. And there’s nothing lucky about that. I know women who have had to defend their ‘fortunate’ lives as though they somehow don’t deserve them. My friends are sick of being called lucky for their life’s choices too. Lucky that they have such a good job, lucky that they drive such a nice car, lucky that they have such a nice partner, lucky that they have a happy family, lucky that they have a good life.

Calling someone ‘lucky’ robs people from owning their decisions. It devalues their own strategic plan and their hard work. It’s condescending and many times demeaning. It’s like the common misconception that new musical artists in the industry are ‘overnight successes’. As if the decade of training and auditions and failures prior to their emergence didn’t exist.

As with many people, the role that luck has played in my life so far is part of the picture.

But the truth is hundreds of little decisions every day and a few really momentous ones are the reasons that I live such a lucky life.

Nearly 27 Reasons Women Want To Have Sex

Ok. So not long ago I wrote 27 Reasons Women Don’t Want to Have Sex and the interwebs went a bit mental. Rousing applause and support from the majority and some scathing commentary from a loud minority. Lots of offence was taken and there was rabid disbelief that I could write something so sexist, generalised and delusional. To those people I apologise and gently suggest to lighten the fuck up.

Further, I will offer a counter blog to my well-researched and substantiated list of reasons women don’t want to get laid. Yes, I have gathered more intel. This time, it’s a list of reasons women DO want to have sex. I tried REALLY hard to come up with 27 reasons, but I couldn’t make it past 21...

Again, I will remind you – dear reader – that I write from the perspective of a middle-aged, heterosexual woman because that is what I am. I don’t apologise for that or my point of view so if either offends you, step away from the blog.

1. We love good dads

Watching a man, particularly our man, being awesome with kids, particularly our kids, is like an aphrodisiac on steroids for us mother-type chicks.

2. Handy-men are hot

Women dig guys who can do things. Things with tools. Around the house. Go hang some pictures or put together some flat-packed furniture or mow the lawn. Hell, just wear a tool belt around your waist with a hammer hanging off it.

3. Our minds are stimulated

Not so good on the tools? Don’t worry about it! If you can hold a conversation about a topic that your fair lady is interested in, you’re in. Remember in my other list where I said ‘you don’t pay attention to our minds needs’? Well, here’s your opportunity.

4. We’re in love

Now this can be confusing, because shouldn’t we all be in love with our significant other? Of course the answer is yes but sometimes life makes it hard to be in love. Even with the man we love. There are times though, that even if the sparkle has dulled, that we remember the man we fell in love with. Maybe we’ve just enjoyed a rare date night. Or maybe we’ve watched our favourite movie again together. Or maybe he just looked at us the way he used to before life. Massive turn-on.

5. We’re relaxed

The housework is done, the kids are away/asleep/watching tv, there’s nowhere we need to be and nothing we need to do except share some lovin’ with our man.

6. It’s that time of the month

No, not the other time. The good time. The time when all the hormones travel south and beckon our lover. It’s a small window, but it exists.

7. We’re feeling sexy

It could be something as simple as a new outfit, or a change of hairstyle or a couple of kilos lost/gained. Whatever the reason, when we are feeling good about ourselves physically we want to feel good physically… get what I mean? *Wink, wink.

8. We’re feeling grateful

We’ve just watched our man cook dinner, wash the dishes and put the kids to bed while we’ve done whatever it is we need to do [finish off some work, catch up on some emails, watch Offspring] and suddenly it’s like we’ve been bitten by the love bug.

9. We want to make up

What’s some of the greatest sex you’ll ever have? All together now ‘make-up sex!’ We’ve had a row that was heated enough to cause some shouting and general pissed-offedness but not bad enough to throw your shit out on the footpath. Meet you in the bedroom buddy.

10. We want to get pregnant

Fellas, listen up. This is the best time for you to get laid. No contraception. No holding back. Just knock me up baby!

11. We ARE pregnant

Seriously. All sorts of shit happens when you’re pregnant and some of that is horniness. Plus there’s an old wives tale [probably made up by husbands] that having sex can bring on labour. Let’s get it on to get this out!

12. We’re feeling loved

This is important. If a woman feels loved, and that’s different for all of us, then sex comes easily – so to speak. A thoughtful gift for no reason. A neck massage with no expectation. Freshly picked flowers from the garden with a cup of tea. Kindness is next to horniness.

13. We’ve just watched something really hot on tv

Or read something really hot in a book. Either way – you’re in.

14. We’re tipsy

WARNING – this does not AUTOMATICALLY mean we’re up for it BUT… chances are we’re tipsy because we’ve been out. If we’ve been out, we might have been wearing something new so now we’re feeling sexy. The kids are probably being babysat, for us to go out so we’re also relaxed. We are talking the perfect sex storm here.

15. It’s been a long time between drinks

Maybe we’ve been sick. Maybe he’s been sick. Maybe the whole family has been sick. Maybe one of us has been away for work. Maybe we’ve just had a baby and haven’t had let you near us for months. Whatever, a woman is not a camel [or something like that].

16. We’re dreaming

And by the time we realise that it’s NOT Brad Pitt [or insert suitable heart-throb here] who is tenderly waking us from our much needed slumber, we’re already into it. DISCLAIMER: this is NOT fool proof and there is a high probability that this scenario will not end well but it has been known to end happily on occasion

17. We love having sex

That’s all

18. We want something

This is a tried and tested negotiating tactic. The old “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”

19. We want the exercise

Ok. I have to tell you that this was my husband’s contribution to the list. I stupidly told him that I was struggling to come up with 27 reasons and he suggested this. “But honey, imagine the calories you can burn”… clearly the romance is not dead here.

20. We want to say thanks
For the surprise trip away to a gorgeous B&B or something sparkly in a little blue box or even just all those flirty, loving texts we've been getting all day. Being spoilt and adored is incredibly arousing.

21.  We’re horny

Yes, that actually does happen for no other reason than – we want a bit.

PS: Initially I was going to write a follow up post to 27 Reasons Women Don't Want to Have Sex with 27 Reasons Men Don't Want to Have Sex but after extensive research and surveys couldn't come up with even one reason. True. Story.

27 reasons women don’t want to have sex

Hey guys.

How many times have you had sex this month? 

Not as many as you would like, I bet.

Well, there’s a reason for that and it’s probably on this list...

1. You don’t pay any attention to our mind’s needs.

Surely by now you know that the best foreplay is that which involves stimulating our mind first. Not sure what that involves? Talking. About stuff that interests us. Not sure what interests us? It's going to be a long time between drinks for you buddy.

2. You don’t make any effort to get us in the mood.

See above

3. You don’t clean up after yourself.

We get sick of doing all the cleaning. Especially cleaning up after you. Pick up after yourself and then maybe you’ll ‘pick up’.

4. We’re tired.

That’s a legitimate reason. Maybe if we didn’t have to do all your fucking washing, we would have more energy.

5. We spend our whole life looking after your kids first, your home second and ourselves last. There’s not a lot left for you.
Yes, it’s in that order. If you want to change it, try helping out at home and there may be something left for you.

6. We’re bored.

Beware the bored woman. We end up online or scrapbooking or eating.

7. We don’t like the way our bodies feel/look.

Our body changed after childbirth and we haven’t reconciled that yet. Or we’ve hit forty and the boobs have hit the floor. Unlike you guys, the way we feel about ourselves affects our libido. Right or wrong, that’s a fact.

8. We really do have a head ache.

Again, legitimate reason. The last thing you want when your head is pounding, is a pounding. Right?

9. We’re scared the kids are going to walk in.

Do I need to explain this?

10. We’re annoyed that you just don’t get it.

The fact that someone has to write a list about all the reasons we don’t want to have sex with you is a turn off.

11. You think your hard dick is our responsibility.

It’s not. You wake up with that thing. Sort it out.

12. You need to have sex to feel loved. We need to feel loved to have sex. STALEMATE

13. We’ve just had a baby.

And there are a hundred reasons that varies from woman to woman. From stitches to c-sections to extra, extra weight, to uncontrollable emotions, to pain, to haemorrhoids, to bleeding. We’ve just had a baby. Give us a break.  

14. We’re breastfeeding.

And suddenly our boobs take on a whole new meaning for us. They’re feeding your baby and that’s not as easy and gorgeous as it looks. Our nipples are cracked and our breasts are sore. They probably leak and we feel very much like a cow. That’s not a fuckable feeling.

15. We don’t want to get pregnant... again.

What’s the ONLY way we know that’s not going to happen?? You got it. Just say ‘no’.

16. Your mother is in the next room.

That’s all.

17. It’s too cold.

18. It’s too hot.

19. We have our period.

That means bleeding and cramps. In the legs, in the back, in the stomach. Very unsexy.

20. We’re just not interested in sex at the moment.

21. We just had sex yesterday.

You want to do it again?

22. We just had sex last week.

You want to do it again?

23. You take too long.

Hurry up. There are kids in the house and your mum’s in the next room and your washing needs to be done.

24. You don’t take long enough.

Is that it? FFS. Give us a minute to get there too.

25. We just got our hair done.

That’s expensive. Don’t mess it up.

26. We resent your freedom.

We’ve had your baby[s] and you remain unchanged. We’re dealing with changed bodies and changed lifestyles. Our emotions are inextricably linked to our children and for some of us that’s a massive adjustment to take on. Some of us are housebound. Some of us are depressed. All of us are tired. You go to work. Talk to grown-ups. Play golf. Ride your bike. Come home and want sex. Ummm... no thanks. Arsehole.

27. You're not Christian Grey. 

Disclaimer #1 – this list is NOT about me and my husband [though I did contribute to it]. It’s a compilation from my friends and their husbands.

Disclaimer #2 – I KNOW this is a generalisation and I KNOW it’s written from a heterosexual, middle-aged, mother's perspective. It’s the only perspective I have.

This list is, by no means, complete... Can you contribute?

4 Friends Every Girl Should Have

Something old

This is my high school buddy. The one that I met when I was still a kid. That grew with me. That shared my firsts. The one that anchors me to my inner self. The one that knew me before I was a grown up. My longest relationship. The family I chose for myself.

Something new

This is my friend that my kids brought to me. The mum of their friend. The one I was drawn to despite not being in the ‘friend market’. The one that comes from a different place to me but shares the same values. The one that I see myself sharing my future with even though we don’t share a past. The friend I found after I discovered myself.

Something borrowed

This is my friend that is the girlfriend of my brother and brother-in-law. The sister of an ex boyfriend. The wife of a cousin. The one that is on loan while they’re together. The one I think about after they’ve split up. The one I’m friends with on Facebook.

Something blue

This is my boy-friend. The one that never crossed the line – and never will. The one that comes to me for girl advice. The one that likes clothes shopping with me. The gay one.

Do you have an old, new, borrowed and blue friend too?

Mummy Tantrum

Do you know what sucks? 

How, once you have kids, someone's priorities come second. Sometimes it's Mum's. Sometimes it's Dad's. It doesn't really matter - it's always someone's. And in our house, it sucks, 'cause it's MY priorities that take the back seat. Like my life isn't as important as anyone else's. My goals aren't as pressing and my needs aren't as necessary. And though I don't want to seem petulant, I just feel like stamping my feet and yelling "I'm important too!" 

Yes, I chose to take time away from my career to raise our kids. Yes, I'm happy I did and I'd do it again. Yes, I know someone has to be the bread winner and at the moment I'm not winning any more than a few slices but for fuck's sake, I want to start bringing loaves home again. Except I can't because I'm the family 'go to'. I'm the one that needs to drop everything when the shit hits the fan. 

Even when it's not my fan. Or my shit.

It's 11.45pm and my eyes are hanging out of my head but it's the only quiet I've had all day to just sit and write. Which is one of MY needs that isn't as necessary as everyone else's. I couldn't when the kids were at school because I had to work and deal with some family 'shit'. I couldn't after I picked the kids up because I had to get them ready for soccer because Dad got held up at his far-more-important-job so couldn't make it home in time. I couldn't when we got home because I had to cook dinner. I couldn't after dinner because I had to finalise a year 3 homework project with a nearly 8 year old. 

I know I should be in bed. Catching on the sleep deficit I've been living with for, I don't know, eight years now. I know I should be resting but my rest isn't as important as everyone else's. Everyone else is asleep. In the beds that I keep clean with a full tummy of the dinner I cooked. 

I didn't do the bath and bedtime routine though. I was lucky tonight. I ASKED for some TIME OFF so I could get some of my stuff done. And it was granted. 

Lucky I tell ya.

30 Lessons in Love

Dear Boys,

because mummy loves you, I'm going to help you out with a few tips. Well, thirty actually. It's not a complete list but it's a good start. You can thank me later xx

1. If she’s just broken up with her ex – stay away for a while. The rebound guy never wins.

2. Be chivalrous

3. If you ask her out – you pay... for everything.

4. If you pick her up, go to the door and knock. Don’t sit in the car and beep.

5. If you drop her off, walk her to the door or front gate. The same goes for when she leaves your place, walk her to the door or the front gate. It's manners.

6. If you love her – tell her. Many times and in many ways. There is no shame in love.

7. If you love someone else – you shouldn’t be with her.

8. If she lives at home, do not call after 9.30pm.

9. If she’s studying – let her. Encourage her even. You may end up spending the rest of your life with her.

10. No really does mean no. All the time. When she’s pissed. When you’re pissed. Even if your hand’s up her top. Or her bra’s undone. Or you’re half way through. You do not have the rights to her because she’s your girlfriend.

11. If she wants to hang out with her girlfriends don't whinge that she'd rather be with them than you. Be thankful that she has her own life and for the time you can hang out with your mates.

12. Don’t be too eager. It’s gross.

13. If you need to cry, that’s ok. Just don’t make it that ugly cry. That’s a huge turn off.

14. Go clothes shopping with her. It’s more fun than you think.

15. Don’t try to be one of the girls. Her friends will think it’s weird. And yuck.

16. Don’t talk to her in a stupid baby voice.

17. If you’re gonna have nicknames for each other, make them G rated. You’d be surprised just how easily they slip out at the worst possible times.

18. Orgasms are a joint venture. You should be aiming for a win/win result.

19. Brush your teeth.

20. Do not expect her to be responsible for contraception. Wear a condom. I’ll buy them for you if I have to. And don’t let me hear that you won’t because it doesn’t feel as good. Know what feels worse? Months WITHOUT having sex because of your BABY. Oh and herpes. If it’s not on, it’s not on.

21. These girls are not options – your friend’s mum. Your friend’s daughter. Your cousin. Your teacher. The emo [too much baggage]. The goth [too black]. The gold digger. Your brother’s girlfriend. The one that’s rude to your mum.

22. Hip Hop music is fun but it ain’t no way to treat yo woman... dawg

23. Don’t fart in front of her. Or on top of her. Or in her face. Or in bed and then put the covers over her head.

24. Don’t say anything if she accidentally farts in front of you. She’s probably DYING inside.

25. Be respectful to her parents. Both of them. Whether they’re still together or not. And DO NOT swear in front of them.

26. If you expect her to play some video game of mass destruction with you then she can expect you to watch a chick flick with her. Do not roll your eyes or sigh or say ‘as if’ or ‘gay’ or spoil it for her. Just hold her hand. It will earn you massive ‘love’ credits.

27. If she’s silly enough to send you nude photos of herself, do not show them to your mates. Even after you’ve split up.

28. Your erection is not her responsibility. Even if she’s responsible for it. Carry a spoon around in your back pocket if you can’t sort yourself out.

29. When she says "It’s not you, it’s me"... agree and move on. She’s probably right.

30. Do not get a tattoo of any girl’s name. Unless her name is ‘Mum’.

DISCLAIMER: where appropriate, please use ‘boy, ‘he’ and ‘him’ in place of ‘girl’, ‘she’ and ‘her’  ;)

Step away from Mr Wrong

It still gets to me when I see women sell themselves short for men. Almost every woman I know has done it at least once. Shit, I've done it myself COUNTLESS times.

EVERY SINGLE thing that I am about to post is from recent real-life conversations with a number of women I know who range, in age, from 20 through to 60 years old. EVERY SINGLE conversation involved those same women justifying the very things they were complaining of... and that they SHOULD be complaining of.

This is my Top Ten list of signs that your Mr Right is wrong for you.

1. You don't exist in public

If you have not yet met his friends or family and you have been with him for longer than a few months [and you're not dating a refugee], there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

2. You give him a 'softy'

If he can't get it up, keep it up or seal the deal, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

3. You're walking and dancing on your own

If he never wants to do what you want to do, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

4. You are not John and Yoko

If he only ever wants to see you in bed, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

5. You are not on an island

If he doesn't want you to see your friends or family, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

6. You are not his therapist

If all he wants to do is talk about his problems and has no time to hear yours, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

7. You are not a babysitter

If he expects you to look after his kid from another partnership all the time while he pursues the things he wants to do, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

8. You are gorgeous

If he finds the need to tell you otherwise, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

9. You are worth it

If you have to beg him for your needs to be met, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

10. You are a grown-up

If you have to lie to him about where you're going, what you're doing and what you're spending, there's a problem. Stop making excuses for him.

Like I said to one of my gorgeous, smart, grown-up friends... he's not as good as you think.

Step away xx

50 shades of twilight...

So I finally met Christian Grey, I mean Mr Grey, I mean Sir. Excuse me while I fan myself.

At first I thought it was just me as I found myself replacing Christian's name with Edward and Anastasia's name with Bella until I discovered that the Fifty Shades story began as a fan lit of the Twilight series. That made more sense but it still astounds me that this other worldwide reading phenomenon rests on the same fantastical dynamic. Super powerful, unnaturally handsome, wealthy, calm independent man who drives exotic sportscars unsuccessfully warns away super inexperienced, awkward, young, unwittingly gorgeous virgin from their dark embrace. Familiar? It's Twilight. Minus the vampire. Plus kinky fuckery.

Who knew that women wanted this? I certainly didn't know and to be honest, I'm confused. It was not long ago that we were all sexually empowered thanks to Sex and The City. Hang on a minute... cue another gorgeous, powerful, wealthy unattainable man ready to save our heroine from average sex and loneliness. I digress. Sexually empowered nay, encouraged to sow our sexual oats. Poor, inexperienced and awkward Charlotte was NOT the girl you wanted to relate to. No. Women wanted to dress like Carrie, fuck like Sam and practice law like the red head. But Charlotte? Not so much. Now, it seems that awkward is the new black. NOT knowing you're attractive is how we should be playing it. And if you can possibly bite your lip every time you talk to a gorgeous man, then get ready to explode in a flurry of orgasms against a wall in an elevator.

I was initially uncomfortable reading this trilogy. I'm not into that whole BSDM thing. The red room of pain does not float my boat and if someone takes a riding crop to my arse, they'd better make it worth it 'cause I guarantee it will be the last thing they do... but as I read through the trilogy, I did work out that it wasn't really about the sex. It couldn't be. Those scenes were poorly written and annoying to be honest. I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart rate didn't increase many times during the book but it was the development of their relationship that got me there... and maybe when they were in the shower and that time on the piano and in the front seat of the car... Ahem. It certainly was not Ana's infuriating 'inner goddess' that we had to keep hearing about. Or the fact that she referred to her vagina as her 'sex' or the weird way her inner dialogue would exclaim 'oh my' as his demand for her to come would be her 'undoing'... or the very fact that she could have an orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME he told her to. huh??? 

So, as I was saying, at first I was uneasy. I didn't want to read about a submissive girl [she ain't no woman at only 22] being beaten and demoralised by anyone. As it turns out, I didn't have to. She never becomes his 'sub' though she does enjoy the role playing [shudder]. He does, in fact, love her and really the joy of the story is reading about how much he wants to protect her and cherish her. And THIS is what I think women are addicted to. 

Guys... hold your horses and don't order those handcuffs just yet. Yes, the books have been dubbed 'mummy porn' but the porn factor is in the way this man loves his girl. Picture this... an amazingly handsome, incredibly fit, unspeakably wealthy horn bag falls for your wife/girlfriend. Don't think he won't 'cause he doesn't expect her to be gorgeous or well-dressed or sophisticated or independent or wealthy or single herself. He falls for her and courts her by - wait for it - DEVOTING HIS TIME TO HER. By buying her clothes that suit and fit her. By remembering her favourite book. By making her playlists and delivering them to her on her own iPod. By interrupting his very busy day to write her emails. By always taking her call. By making sure she eats well. By begging to take her shopping. By washing, brushing and plaiting her hair. He buys her a couple of cars. The latest Apple hardware. Christian Louboutin heels. A publishing company. A mansion. When she complains, once, that she hasn't seen her friends in a while he flies all of them to his house in Aspen on his own private jet for the weekend. His favourite past time is watching her sleep, he loves his mum and he totally ignores all other women. 

He's old-fashioned and millions of women have voted that an alpha male is what they're yearning. They like that he tells her what to do. They like that he takes care of business. They like that he can fuck her up against a wall and then tenderly pick her up in his gorgeous arms and take her to bed to watch her sleep... while her plays the piano into the early hours of the morning in nothing but some low slung track pants. They like that he has a housekeeper to make that bed and keep her fed and do the laundry. They want what she's having... ALL OF IT.

Women are not leaving their husbands because they've suddenly discovered a penchant for anal plugs and nipple clamps. They have layed in bed, next to their snoring, overweight, disinterested, pissed-off-that-you-even-need-to-buy-clothes [let alone know what size you are], struggling-to-make-ends-meet, footy-watching, fantastically boring, selfish husbands reading the greatest fairytale ever written.

So if you want to save your marriage from the Fifty Shades of Grey breakdown, here's what you have to do. Remember when you first fell in love with your wife/partner. When you didn't want to fart in front of her. When her body delighted you and you couldn't get enough of it. When you would make time to call her. When getting a call from her during your work day was a welcome distraction and not a chore. When you would happily give up watching some crap on tv to share a glass of wine outside on a warm night. When making love to her took longer than seven minutes in the dark and you would scream out her name instead of grunting. When her laugh made you warm inside. When you yearned to be with her always. Then... let her see that woman in your eyes. 

And if all else fails... spank her. Apparently that's what women want too ;)