Children Versus Career

So I had breakfast with Mark Bouris last month. No biggie. He’s only the thinking the woman’s poster boy with a presence that heats up a room the moment he walks in. Articulate, charming, incredibly handsome, humble, powerful and success in spades. And he’s funny. He may well be my soul mate and having breakfast with him was certainly a highlight of my year so far.

I laughed and listened and learned and flirted outrageously. Tilting my head to the side when he looked at me and flicking my hair as I nodded to let him know that I ‘got’ him. There were moments that I felt we connected on a subliminal level… if only I could be sure that he was actually looking at me and not one of the other 350 women in the room

But of course he was.

And it was when he was looking only at me that I took in the message that he was trying to make me understand. Greed is good. No, wait… that wasn’t him. The message, I think, was that if you want to be a full-blown, screaming success that there is no easy way to do it. It involves LOTS of hours of work. If you want the top job then you need to be prepared to work the hours that the position dictates. This is very important [because he said it multiple times].  He said, he doesn’t choose the hours he needs to work. His position, or the job, does. His position at the head of a global empire dictates that he works approximately 16 hours per day. He said if you want to only work 8 hours a day, you need to find a job that allows for that. And I nodded. Emphatically. Because it makes so much sense. Everything he said made sense. His observation that there are three virtues required to succeed 1) Empathy, 2) Work Ethic – broken into 3 parts – endurance, fortitude, courage and 3) Accountability. Yes, yes and yes!! So much sense. And then his further observation that women have all these in spades, largely due to our inherent ability of being mindful. I was practically fist pumping the air as I bought into it all. I’m a hard worker. I’m empathetic. I’m courageous and strong and can endure. I own my failures as earnestly as I do my successes. My mind wandered as I imagined running my own global empire. Or at least a local empire. And then the penny dropped.

I’m a mother.

So how the fuck does this apply to me? In my 24 hour day, where can I find 16 hours to work in my, albeit imaginary, high-powered role? I have 6 hours a day without the kids while they’re at school. For me to work 16 hours, someone else would need to look after my kids. And cook for them. And attend their school meetings and performances... and so on.

How can I lean in when they’re leaning on me?

I’m not complaining. I chose to have children and I chose to forfeit my career to raise them. I am happy with the choice I made. I’m just pissed off at the constant implication that women can have it all and I’m pissed off at what ‘having it all’ is supposed to be.

For me, I think ‘having it all’ means having choices. And it means knowing what will fill your cup.

When I was younger and kicking around with my best friend we used to laugh at how different we were, though exactly the same. As is usually the case with your bestie. We loved all the same stuff and admired all the same great leaders. It’s just that I would fantasise about marrying them and she would fantasise about being them. Before we even understood what that meant, our hearts were hinting at what they desired. And my heart’s desire is to be a mum. That’s the job that has filled my cup for the past 9 years. And the hours that job dictates cannot be contained in a 40 hour work week. Or even an 80 hour work week.

So I guess I won’t be applying for the next season of The Apprentice… or running a global empire any time soon.

Though I’d give it a go just for the opportunity to be fired…

My life is an infomercial

I had a friend stay with me last week and on the way to bed the other night, she stopped me as I passed her in the bathroom.

"What's this?" she asks me holding up a gorgeous brown bottle 

"Oh that's a new product I bought online a couple of weeks ago" I say exclaiming "I loooooove it!!"

"It smells gorgeous" she says "I love the packaging, and it's made in Australia!"

"I know. I've been using it for a couple of weeks now and have really noticed the difference. It's so gentle and doesn't leave any residue at all. Plus it is plant-based with no nasty additives"

"Can I try it?" she tentatively asks. I can see she's excited so I nod. Enthusiastically.

And so she grabs the gorgeous brown bottle and sprays THE TOILET.

"Wow, it's beautiful to use. It smells so fresh and clean where can I get some?"

And that is how I had one of the most depressing conversations of my life. Talking excitedly about bathroom cleaner, no matter how sensational, was not something I ever expected to do. Ditto writing a blog about it, yet here I am.

I've got a new cleaning product. I bought it online and I love it. I've never bought cleaning products online. I've never given any thought to cleaning products, to be perfectly honest, except to consider their impact on the environment. But I would not consider myself a 'greenie' by any means. It just appeals to me to be aware and to minimize my impact without compromising fragrance. Needless to say I have never cared enough about my impact on the environment to clean with vinegar or baking soda. 

Anyway, even though I know this reads like an infomercial, I swear I haven't been sponsored to write this post or even gently encouraged. I just actually love the product and so far THREE separate visitors have loved it too. Seriously, I should become a rep for it.

These are the two products I bought...

Boys Bathroom Cleaner [but I use it on ALL the bathrooms, not just their stinky one]

Counter Intelligence Surface Spray - lovely fragrance AND a play on words. WIN!

You can find them here.

Now I've just gotta find myself a life... and some new friends.

Mummy Tantrum

Do you know what sucks? 

How, once you have kids, someone's priorities come second. Sometimes it's Mum's. Sometimes it's Dad's. It doesn't really matter - it's always someone's. And in our house, it sucks, 'cause it's MY priorities that take the back seat. Like my life isn't as important as anyone else's. My goals aren't as pressing and my needs aren't as necessary. And though I don't want to seem petulant, I just feel like stamping my feet and yelling "I'm important too!" 

Yes, I chose to take time away from my career to raise our kids. Yes, I'm happy I did and I'd do it again. Yes, I know someone has to be the bread winner and at the moment I'm not winning any more than a few slices but for fuck's sake, I want to start bringing loaves home again. Except I can't because I'm the family 'go to'. I'm the one that needs to drop everything when the shit hits the fan. 

Even when it's not my fan. Or my shit.

It's 11.45pm and my eyes are hanging out of my head but it's the only quiet I've had all day to just sit and write. Which is one of MY needs that isn't as necessary as everyone else's. I couldn't when the kids were at school because I had to work and deal with some family 'shit'. I couldn't after I picked the kids up because I had to get them ready for soccer because Dad got held up at his far-more-important-job so couldn't make it home in time. I couldn't when we got home because I had to cook dinner. I couldn't after dinner because I had to finalise a year 3 homework project with a nearly 8 year old. 

I know I should be in bed. Catching on the sleep deficit I've been living with for, I don't know, eight years now. I know I should be resting but my rest isn't as important as everyone else's. Everyone else is asleep. In the beds that I keep clean with a full tummy of the dinner I cooked. 

I didn't do the bath and bedtime routine though. I was lucky tonight. I ASKED for some TIME OFF so I could get some of my stuff done. And it was granted. 

Lucky I tell ya.

Attitude of Gratitude

So, on the first day of December this year I committed to having an attitude of gratitude for a month which I would share with my Facebook friends each day. I didn't come up with the idea myself. I was inspired by The Mums Lounge "Attitude of Gratitude Photo Challenge" because I have been feeling more grateful lately and because, to be quite frank, I like that it rhymed.

I started off slow. A quick photo and something small in my day that I was thankful for. But, as all good things do, it gathered a momentum of its own and my thankfulness became more significant. 

My attitude actually changed. 

The commitment I made to having to stop each day and think of something to be grateful for, during a very busy time of the year, became my calm. I discovered that I have so much to be grateful for and that I have fallen into the well-known trap of taking my good fortune for granted. This month has reminded me to be extremely grateful for my journey in life. For the lessons I've learned. For the losses. For the gifts. For the growth. For the pain and for the joy. It's EASY to get caught up in the rat-race of life, particularly at Christmas time. It's soooo busy and everyone seems to want a piece of you and I have MANY times spent almost the entire month complaining. But this year, not so much. This year when I have caught myself whingeing about.... whatever, I have stopped and said 'Lucky you Tan, that there is space in your mind for such a silly complaint'. 'Lucky you that you do not live in fear. Lucky you that you do not live in pain. Lucky you that you do not live with loneliness. Lucky you that you do not live in darkness. Lucky you that you do not live in silence. Lucky you, Tan.'

I had planned to post something to be grateful for every day of December, but I stopped a couple of days ago. Not on purpose. I was running out of hours in my days and telling everyone how grateful I am was the first casualty of tasks I didn't have time for. I have still stopped every day though. Stopped and thought and felt lighter. And now, in the quiet aftermath of a marathon family Christmas lunch, I have stopped to think about what I am thankful for. And of course, on days like today, there is so much. Family. Love. Tradition. Giving. Eating. Playing. Fun. Togetherness. Sharing. It's almost a no-brainer but I have something more [yes more!] to be thankful for.

Attitude of Gratitude - Days 21-25 (!)

I am grateful for my friends who came along for the ride with me. All of my friends but especially the friends who are otherwise quiet on Facebook but have showed their support by 'liking' my post. It kept me honest. When I realised how many people were listening, it encouraged me to actually say something.

I am grateful for the friends [who I do not 'see' socially but with whom I share my Facebook life] that took the time to comment on my posts. Friends like Di, Riannon, Crawford, Monique, Josie, Mia and Mandy. When I realised how many people were touched, it encouraged me to dig deeper.

I am grateful for the friends who made a special effort to tell me how my Attitude of Gratitude posts had inspired them. Friends like Alischa, Isabelle, Kalyna and Isabella. When I realised how many people were inspired, it encouraged me to share more of myself.

I am grateful for my friend Polly who took my proverbial hand and travelled down the road of gratitude with me. When I realised I was not alone, it encouraged me to stay on the road.

I am grateful.

We need to talk

"My kid just won't tell me what's going on.."

It's a common complaint of parents to children of all ages today. 

"How was school?"

"Fine"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing"

Sometimes that's frustrating. Sometimes that's worrying. Sometimes it's hurtful. Nonetheless, mums and dads everywhere will keep asking those same questions hoping, one day, for a bit of insight.

My kids are really good sharers which I'm sure doesn't surprise you given that their mum IS a blogger and I can't help thinking of an apple tree somewhere. There are other reasons that they share their stories so freely though. We are invested in communication in this family. Good, old-fashioned talking. We do a lot of it. In fact, we have to tell our youngest to STOP talking regularly. 

5 things that we do to encourage sharing are...

1. Dinner time is family time

We eat together as a family almost every night. Phones, iPods, iPads, tv etc are not allowed at the dinner table and the kids are used to chatting. The location is not important either. Our usual dining table, outside under a tree, at a restaurant or fish and chips at the beach. It's the ritual of sharing at dinner time that is important to all of us and very rarely missed. It usually starts with a comment about dinner [loving it or hating it - doesn't matter] and then one of them will ask "Who's starting?". 

2. Highlights and Lovelights

We all get a turn at starting 'highlights' and this is when we share the best parts of our days with each other. We do it every night and if we have guests at our dinner table, we invite them to share too. If I was to be honest, the highlight of my every day is probably hearing 'highlights' at the dinner table - but I'm not allowed to say that. I have to come up with something good that made me happy during that day. Somedays it's hard for all of us but we never let anyone get away with not having at least one highlight. Just recently I added an extra little thing which was everyone to share one thing that happened in their day to make them feel loved or cared for, which the boys have called 'Lovelights'. The kids worked this one out really quickly and are coming up with some really warming moments in their day such as "I felt loved when Mum sat with me on the couch and watched tv with me" and "I felt cared for when my teacher put a bandaid on my knee". 

3. Drive time is chat time

Any time in the car is a perfect opportunity to chat because your audience is captive. We don't do headphones and we don't do movies in the car, even on long road trips. We learn so much about the boys here. Just yesterday while I was driving with my 7 year old I discovered that he's already thinking about the logistics of getting his licence and how he can save up to buy his own car. It was an absolutely fascinating conversation and it gave me great insight into his thought processes.

4. Bedtime is story time

Most nights we are both home to put the kids to bed. Almost always on time and almost always with enough time for a family story. My boys share a room so we can all be in there together to read the story. They get to choose a different book each night and we all take turns to read. Even the little one has a go now too. After stories it's time for the goodnight kisses and a quick reminder of what's on the next day. Sometimes this is when I hear about something they HAVE to bring in to school the next day that I have to pull out of nowhere. Little Stefan often asks me "What do I have to look forward to tomorrow Mum?"

5. Many hands make light work

Wherever and whenever we can, we share the chore workload with the kids. Which means we're weeding together, washing the car together, stacking the dishwasher together, doing the laundry together, washing the windows together and planting the garden together. In my experience this is the best time to learn about something that may be bothering my oldest particularly. I find that if he's distracted I can take the questioning and conversations to places he would not usually feel comfortable with in the 'spotlight' of a one-to-one talk.

The foundation of solid family communication is essential for so many reasons. Harmony. Togetherness. Longevity. Respect. Understanding. 

If you are having trouble getting your kids to open up to you, try any one of my 5 tips. It doesn't matter which one/s you can do. If you're not able to eat as a family at night then come together at bedtime. If that's no good and you're flat out ferrying them from school to care to sports then use the car trips. If you're not already getting your kids to help out at home then pick a task you can share and start there.

The truth is they're all easy and I'm sure that even doing one of them regularly will result in a positive change.

xx

work-life balance, also known as LIFE

Having it all.

Just saying it out aloud makes me tired. Because I am tired. I've just recently gone from full time mum to working mum and I'm exhausted.

I'm new at this work-life balance thing. Well, maybe not. I mean what is work-life balance if not just life itself?

Working outside of the home, even part-time, IS harder than I thought though. It's quite the struggle to be on top of my game at work and at home and the learning curve is steep. I entered into this new life stage with the same arrogance that I did when I became a mum. "Millions of women do this - how hard can it be?"

Well, a bit harder than I thought as it turns out. I think I'm sucking at it.

I'm not good at doing things part-time. During my interview for my new job my boss remarked on the fact that I had spent the last 8 years raising my boys, at home, full-time. "Oh, you're an 'all or nothing' kind of person". Which I guess I am and I'm finding it tough to work out how to be a part-time home maker and a part-time employee. 

My washing is piling up. My filing is piling up. My guilt is piling up.

This is real and can be found on my spare bed.

I've run out of milk, eggs, bread, butter, cereal. I've missed my son reading at assembly. I've spot cleaned uniform shirts that I forgot to wash the night before. I've handed in forms late and I haven't organised a single class get together [shame on you Class Rep].

But it doesn't stop there. Oh no. I've dropped work balls too. Leaving unfinished jobs and missing things that need to be done.

It's become a lesson in humility. A hard lesson but I'm keen to learn. And I'm happy to share what I've learned so far. And this is it.

Having it all is all about perspective.

Here are 13 things I am grateful for when I am really down on myself for not getting the balance right.

1. Working part-time allows me to maintain my personal objective of never having to put the kids into childcare. 

2. Having a 'day off' mid-week really does feel like a 'day off' and I'm grateful for the quiet.

3. After 8 groundhog years I finally have a weekend again!

4. I feel supported by my family to return to work and this validates my choices.

5. I feel appreciated by my colleagues and it feels so good to be recognised by people, who have no affection for me, as someone worthwhile.

6. Earning my own money again is affirming.

7. I like that my boss tells me that I have 'a brain the size of a planet'

8. My boys see that Mum can work out of the home and do 'important stuff' too.

9. I am challenged again and I will always be grateful for any opportunity to learn.

10. When I drop the ball at home someone else picks it up and sometimes that someone is a 7 or 5 year old boy and that makes me so very proud... even if it's not the way I would do it.

This is how boys 'tidy up' the playroom. Just shove it all into the corner.

11. There's nothing quite like enjoying a homemade cafe latte in the quiet of the home you're working to pay off.

12. I now have 'washing days' and 'grocery days' and they are not my everyday.

13. I look forward to coming home and I can see past the mess and know a family committed to life lives here.

I do have it all. 

And I am grateful to know that.