6 New Year Resolutions I will not be making

In previous, younger years, I made new year resolutions with gusto. Of course they were virtuous and admirable and ridiculous. Now that I’m older and the number of fucks I give has hit an all-time low I am very happy to announce that I will not be making any of these, previously broken, new year resolutions.

1. I will not drink so much

Well that’s utter bullshit. If this year is anything last year I will drink just as much. If not more. I may aim for more than one alcohol free day a week… or maybe a fortnight. Oh who am I kidding? I am writing this on New Year’s Day, sitting by the pool drinking a Rosso Antico on ice. Life is too short and stressful for AFDs and I’m certainly not going to start the year with one.

2. I will exercise more

Ummm… I know I should be doing this. I know. But I have actually made and broken that resolution every year for the last two decades. I’m not so much well-intentioned than just a flat-out liar. If exercise means I will spend more time window-shopping and increasing my typing fitness then maybe.

3. I will not swear so much

Fuck. That. Shit

4. I will cut down on caffeine

Bitch please. I did that twice in my life. And both times I was growing a person in my guts. Ever since I pushed those people out I’ve been exhausted so I think I have done my caffeine-free time.

5. I will quit sugar

No I won’t. I will not quit sugar. Not this year, not any year. I simply can’t quit sugar. It’s in my wine which I’m not giving up and I like my coffee strong and sweet – just how I like my men BTW.

6. I will lose weight

Hello? Have you read a word I’ve written? I’m not going to exercise, I like my daily coffees sweet and my wine plentiful. Unless I have another body part removed, I can’t see me reducing weight any time soon.

I tell you what I will do. I will continue to not give a fuck. I will continue to write. I will continue to be the best friend, wife, mother, daughter and sister I can be. I will continue to find contentment in the smallest things [because I’m too lazy to search for something more]. I will continue to feel good things about myself and the decisions I’ve made. I will continue to follow my [expanding!] gut. I will continue.

So Happy New Year. 

Have you made any resolutions that you’re planning to break?