Saturday, 29 September 2012

50 shades of twilight...

So I finally met Christian Grey, I mean Mr Grey, I mean Sir. Excuse me while I fan myself.

At first I thought it was just me as I found myself replacing Christian's name with Edward and Anastasia's name with Bella until I discovered that the Fifty Shades story began as a fan lit of the Twilight series. That made more sense but it still astounds me that this other worldwide reading phenomenon rests on the same fantastical dynamic. Super powerful, unnaturally handsome, wealthy, calm independent man who drives exotic sportscars unsuccessfully warns away super inexperienced, awkward, young, unwittingly gorgeous virgin from their dark embrace. Familiar? It's Twilight. Minus the vampire. Plus kinky fuckery.

Who knew that women wanted this? I certainly didn't know and to be honest, I'm confused. It was not long ago that we were all sexually empowered thanks to Sex and The City. Hang on a minute... cue another gorgeous, powerful, wealthy unattainable man ready to save our heroine from average sex and loneliness. I digress. Sexually empowered nay, encouraged to sow our sexual oats. Poor, inexperienced and awkward Charlotte was NOT the girl you wanted to relate to. No. Women wanted to dress like Carrie, fuck like Sam and practice law like the red head. But Charlotte? Not so much. Now, it seems that awkward is the new black. NOT knowing you're attractive is how we should be playing it. And if you can possibly bite your lip every time you talk to a gorgeous man, then get ready to explode in a flurry of orgasms against a wall in an elevator.

I was initially uncomfortable reading this trilogy. I'm not into that whole BSDM thing. The red room of pain does not float my boat and if someone takes a riding crop to my arse, they'd better make it worth it 'cause I guarantee it will be the last thing they do... but as I read through the trilogy, I did work out that it wasn't really about the sex. It couldn't be. Those scenes were poorly written and annoying to be honest. I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart rate didn't increase many times during the book but it was the development of their relationship that got me there... and maybe when they were in the shower and that time on the piano and in the front seat of the car... Ahem. It certainly was not Ana's infuriating 'inner goddess' that we had to keep hearing about. Or the fact that she referred to her vagina as her 'sex' or the weird way her inner dialogue would exclaim 'oh my' as his demand for her to come would be her 'undoing'... or the very fact that she could have an orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME he told her to. huh??? 

So, as I was saying, at first I was uneasy. I didn't want to read about a submissive girl [she ain't no woman at only 22] being beaten and demoralised by anyone. As it turns out, I didn't have to. She never becomes his 'sub' though she does enjoy the role playing [shudder]. He does, in fact, love her and really the joy of the story is reading about how much he wants to protect her and cherish her. And THIS is what I think women are addicted to. 

Guys... hold your horses and don't order those handcuffs just yet. Yes, the books have been dubbed 'mummy porn' but the porn factor is in the way this man loves his girl. Picture this... an amazingly handsome, incredibly fit, unspeakably wealthy horn bag falls for your wife/girlfriend. Don't think he won't 'cause he doesn't expect her to be gorgeous or well-dressed or sophisticated or independent or wealthy or single herself. He falls for her and courts her by - wait for it - DEVOTING HIS TIME TO HER. By buying her clothes that suit and fit her. By remembering her favourite book. By making her playlists and delivering them to her on her own iPod. By interrupting his very busy day to write her emails. By always taking her call. By making sure she eats well. By begging to take her shopping. By washing, brushing and plaiting her hair. He buys her a couple of cars. The latest Apple hardware. Christian Louboutin heels. A publishing company. A mansion. When she complains, once, that she hasn't seen her friends in a while he flies all of them to his house in Aspen on his own private jet for the weekend. His favourite past time is watching her sleep, he loves his mum and he totally ignores all other women. 

He's old-fashioned and millions of women have voted that an alpha male is what they're yearning. They like that he tells her what to do. They like that he takes care of business. They like that he can fuck her up against a wall and then tenderly pick her up in his gorgeous arms and take her to bed to watch her sleep... while her plays the piano into the early hours of the morning in nothing but some low slung track pants. They like that he has a housekeeper to make that bed and keep her fed and do the laundry. They want what she's having... ALL OF IT.

Women are not leaving their husbands because they've suddenly discovered a penchant for anal plugs and nipple clamps. They have layed in bed, next to their snoring, overweight, disinterested, pissed-off-that-you-even-need-to-buy-clothes [let alone know what size you are], struggling-to-make-ends-meet, footy-watching, fantastically boring, selfish husbands reading the greatest fairytale ever written.

So if you want to save your marriage from the Fifty Shades of Grey breakdown, here's what you have to do. Remember when you first fell in love with your wife/partner. When you didn't want to fart in front of her. When her body delighted you and you couldn't get enough of it. When you would make time to call her. When getting a call from her during your work day was a welcome distraction and not a chore. When you would happily give up watching some crap on tv to share a glass of wine outside on a warm night. When making love to her took longer than seven minutes in the dark and you would scream out her name instead of grunting. When her laugh made you warm inside. When you yearned to be with her always. Then... let her see that woman in your eyes. 

And if all else fails... spank her. Apparently that's what women want too ;)

1 comment:

  1. Dress like Carrie, fuck like Sam... GOLD! Yes that was what i aspired too and didn't even know it ;-)