Tuesday, 18 June 2013

27 reasons women don’t want to have sex

Hey guys.

How many times have you had sex this month? 

Not as many as you would like, I bet.

Well, there’s a reason for that and it’s probably on this list...

1. You don’t pay any attention to our mind’s needs.
Surely by now you know that the best foreplay is that which involves stimulating our mind first. Not sure what that involves? Talking. About stuff that interests us. Not sure what interests us? It's going to be a long time between drinks for you buddy.

2. You don’t make any effort to get us in the mood.
See above

3. You don’t clean up after yourself.
We get sick of doing all the cleaning. Especially cleaning up after you. Pick up after yourself and then maybe you’ll ‘pick up’.

4. We’re tired.
That’s a legitimate reason. Maybe if we didn’t have to do all your fucking washing, we would have more energy.

5. We spend our whole life looking after your kids first, your home second and ourselves last. There’s not a lot left for you.
Yes, it’s in that order. If you want to change it, try helping out at home and there may be something left for you.

6. We’re bored.
Beware the bored woman. We end up online or scrapbooking or eating.

7. We don’t like the way our bodies feel/look.
Our body changed after childbirth and we haven’t reconciled that yet. Or we’ve hit forty and the boobs have hit the floor. Unlike you guys, the way we feel about ourselves affects our libido. Right or wrong, that’s a fact.

8. We really do have a head ache.
Again, legitimate reason. The last thing you want when your head is pounding, is a pounding. Right?

9. We’re scared the kids are going to walk in.
Do I need to explain this?

10. We’re annoyed that you just don’t get it.
The fact that someone has to write a list about all the reasons we don’t want to have sex with you is a turn off.

11. You think your hard dick is our responsibility.
It’s not. You wake up with that thing. Sort it out.

12. You need to have sex to feel loved. We need to feel loved to have sex. STALEMATE

13. We’ve just had a baby.
And there are a hundred reasons that varies from woman to woman. From stitches to c-sections to extra, extra weight, to uncontrollable emotions, to pain, to haemorrhoids, to bleeding. We’ve just had a baby. Give us a break.  

14. We’re breastfeeding.
And suddenly our boobs take on a whole new meaning for us. They’re feeding your baby and that’s not as easy and gorgeous as it looks. Our nipples are cracked and our breasts are sore. They probably leak and we feel very much like a cow. That’s not a fuckable feeling.

15. We don’t want to get pregnant... again.
What’s the ONLY way we know that’s not going to happen?? You got it. Just say ‘no’.

16. Your mother is in the next room.
That’s all.

17. It’s too cold.

18. It’s too hot.

19. We have our period.
That means bleeding and cramps. In the legs, in the back, in the stomach. Very unsexy.

20. We’re just not interested in sex at the moment.

21. We just had sex yesterday.
You want to do it again?

22. We just had sex last week.
You want to do it again?

23. You take too long.
Hurry up. There are kids in the house and your mum’s in the next room and your washing needs to be done.

24. You don’t take long enough.
Is that it? FFS. Give us a minute to get there too.

25. We just got our hair done.
That’s expensive. Don’t mess it up.

26. We resent your freedom.
We’ve had your baby[s] and you remain unchanged. We’re dealing with changed bodies and changed lifestyles. Our emotions are inextricably linked to our children and for some of us that’s a massive adjustment to take on. Some of us are housebound. Some of us are depressed. All of us are tired. You go to work. Talk to grown-ups. Play golf. Ride your bike. Come home and want sex. Ummm... no thanks. Arsehole.

27. You're not Christian Grey. 

Disclaimer #1 – this list is NOT about me and my husband [though I did contribute to it]. It’s a compilation from my friends and their husbands.

Disclaimer #2 – I KNOW this is a generalisation and I KNOW it’s written from a heterosexual, middle-aged, mother's perspective. It’s the only perspective I have.

This list is, by no means, complete... Can you contribute?

Thursday, 6 June 2013


Before there were playlists there were mixed tapes and I WAS THE MIXTAPE MASTER.

I've still got all of them and they all tell a story about where I was at that time of my life... and where my heart was. 

I'm bringing back the mixtape and today I thought I'd share my birthday party selection for your listening pleasure.

WARNING - be prepared to dance.

See? I really AM a seventies baby!

What would you put on a dance mixtape today?

Happy 1st Birthday Seventies Baby

When I started blogging, I had two objectives. To write, which has always been a kind of therapy for me, and to share. As my 'voice' developed, I discovered something amazing. There is magic in the story. There is magic in me.  

"The stranger who tells our stories when we cannot speak not only awakens our spirits and hearts but also shows our humanity"   Mende Proverb, Sierra Leone

I always get a little bit nostalgic on birthdays, so I have spent the morning re-reading my stories and I thought I'd share a selection of my favourite posts from the last year that you may have missed or may just like to revisit.

1. My first post - the one about mums at school.

2. 50 Shades of Twilight - the one I had the most fun writing... [warning: involves anal plugs and nipple clamps]

3. Make My Day - the one that I go a bit mental in.

4. While you were sleeping - the one that makes me cry a little bit when I read it.

5. 10 Parenting Rules - the one that went viral.

6. Dear Men - the one where I write about dry-humping.

7. Stretch-mark Swagger - the one about my thighs.

Do you have a favourite? Is there a story you'd like me to tell?

Monday, 3 June 2013

4 Friends Every Girl Should Have

Something old
This is my high school buddy. The one that I met when I was still a kid. That grew with me. That shared my firsts. The one that anchors me to my inner self. The one that knew me before I was a grown up. My longest relationship. The family I chose for myself.

Something new
This is my friend that my kids brought to me. The mum of their friend. The one I was drawn to despite not being in the ‘friend market’. The one that comes from a different place to me but shares the same values. The one that I see myself sharing my future with even though we don’t share a past. The friend I found after I discovered myself.

Something borrowed
This is my friend that is the girlfriend of my brother and brother-in-law. The sister of an ex boyfriend. The wife of a cousin. The one that is on loan while they’re together. The one I think about after they’ve split up. The one I’m friends with on Facebook.

Something blue
This is my boy-friend. The one that never crossed the line – and never will. The one that comes to me for girl advice. The one that likes clothes shopping with me. The gay one.

Do you have an old, new, borrowed and blue friend too?