Sunday, 24 August 2014

Nearly 27 Reasons Women Want To Have Sex

Ok. So not long ago I wrote 27 Reasons Women Don’t Want to Have Sex and the interwebs went a bit mental. Rousing applause and support from the majority and some scathing commentary from a loud minority. Lots of offence was taken and there was rabid disbelief that I could write something so sexist, generalised and delusional. To those people I apologise and gently suggest to lighten the fuck up.

Further, I will offer a counter blog to my well-researched and substantiated list of reasons women don’t want to get laid. Yes, I have gathered more intel. This time, it’s a list of reasons women DO want to have sex. I tried REALLY hard to come up with 27 reasons, but I couldn’t make it past 21...

Again, I will remind you – dear reader – that I write from the perspective of a middle-aged, heterosexual woman because that is what I am. I don’t apologise for that or my point of view so if either offends you, step away from the blog.

1. We love good dads
Watching a man, particularly our man, being awesome with kids, particularly our kids, is like an aphrodisiac on steroids for us mother-type chicks.

2. Handy-men are hot
Women dig guys who can do things. Things with tools. Around the house. Go hang some pictures or put together some flat-packed furniture or mow the lawn. Hell, just wear a tool belt around your waist with a hammer hanging off it.

3. Our minds are stimulated
Not so good on the tools? Don’t worry about it! If you can hold a conversation about a topic that your fair lady is interested in, you’re in. Remember in my other list where I said ‘you don’t pay attention to our minds needs’? Well, here’s your opportunity.

4. We’re in love
Now this can be confusing, because shouldn’t we all be in love with our significant other? Of course the answer is yes but sometimes life makes it hard to be in love. Even with the man we love. There are times though, that even if the sparkle has dulled, that we remember the man we fell in love with. Maybe we’ve just enjoyed a rare date night. Or maybe we’ve watched our favourite movie again together. Or maybe he just looked at us the way he used to before life. Massive turn-on.

5. We’re relaxed
The housework is done, the kids are away/asleep/watching tv, there’s nowhere we need to be and nothing we need to do except share some lovin’ with our man.

6. It’s that time of the month
No, not the other time. The good time. The time when all the hormones travel south and beckon our lover. It’s a small window, but it exists.

7. We’re feeling sexy
It could be something as simple as a new outfit, or a change of hairstyle or a couple of kilos lost/gained. Whatever the reason, when we are feeling good about ourselves physically we want to feel good physically… get what I mean? *Wink, wink.

8. We’re feeling grateful
We’ve just watched our man cook dinner, wash the dishes and put the kids to bed while we’ve done whatever it is we need to do [finish off some work, catch up on some emails, watch Offspring] and suddenly it’s like we’ve been bitten by the love bug.

9. We want to make up
What’s some of the greatest sex you’ll ever have? All together now ‘make-up sex!’ We’ve had a row that was heated enough to cause some shouting and general pissed-offedness but not bad enough to throw your shit out on the footpath. Meet you in the bedroom buddy.

10. We want to get pregnant
Fellas, listen up. This is the best time for you to get laid. No contraception. No holding back. Just knock me up baby!

11. We ARE pregnant
Seriously. All sorts of shit happens when you’re pregnant and some of that is horniness. Plus there’s an old wives tale [probably made up by husbands] that having sex can bring on labour. Let’s get it on to get this out!

12. We’re feeling loved
This is important. If a woman feels loved, and that’s different for all of us, then sex comes easily – so to speak. A thoughtful gift for no reason. A neck massage with no expectation. Freshly picked flowers from the garden with a cup of tea. Kindness is next to horniness.

13. We’ve just watched something really hot on tv
Or read something really hot in a book. Either way – you’re in.

14. We’re tipsy
WARNING – this does not AUTOMATICALLY mean we’re up for it BUT… chances are we’re tipsy because we’ve been out. If we’ve been out, we might have been wearing something new so now we’re feeling sexy. The kids are probably being babysat, for us to go out so we’re also relaxed. We are talking the perfect sex storm here.

15. It’s been a long time between drinks
Maybe we’ve been sick. Maybe he’s been sick. Maybe the whole family has been sick. Maybe one of us has been away for work. Maybe we’ve just had a baby and haven’t had let you near us for months. Whatever, a woman is not a camel [or something like that].

16. We’re dreaming
And by the time we realise that it’s NOT Brad Pitt [or insert suitable heart-throb here] who is tenderly waking us from our much needed slumber, we’re already into it. DISCLAIMER: this is NOT fool proof and there is a high probability that this scenario will not end well but it has been known to end happily on occasion

17. We love having sex
That’s all

18. We want something
This is a tried and tested negotiating tactic. The old “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”

19. We want the exercise
Ok. I have to tell you that this was my husband’s contribution to the list. I stupidly told him that I was struggling to come up with 27 reasons and he suggested this. “But honey, imagine the calories you can burn”… clearly the romance is not dead here.

20. We want to say thanks
For the surprise trip away to a gorgeous B&B or something sparkly in a little blue box or even just all those flirty, loving texts we've been getting all day. Being spoilt and adored is incredibly arousing.

21.  We’re horny
Yes, that actually does happen for no other reason than – we want a bit.

PS: Initially I was going to write a follow up post to 27 Reasons Women Don't Want to Have Sex with 27 Reasons Men Don't Want to Have Sex but after extensive research and surveys couldn't come up with even one reason. True. Story.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

A Man Called Uncle

When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to tell my little brother as soon as possible. I wanted to let him know that my baby was going to change his place in the world. I was excited that me becoming a mother would elevate his status from little brother to Uncle. I had already seen what an incredible big brother he was to our little sister so I had it on good authority that he was going to nail the Uncle role too and I was excited because I knew just how important Uncles are.

Growing up without a dad around meant that my Uncles [who have both since died of cancer] were very valuable to me. Cut from the same cloth as my mum, these men showed me unconditional love and family and loyalty.  I watched them with their own daughters and saw them be tender while still being strict as hell. I spent time in their homes and learned that grown-ups could argue and still love each other and seeing them with their sons helped me understand that boys could be affectionate too. They were the kind of men that people didn’t mess with and they knew about man-stuff like cars and laying carpet and plumbing. They helped my Mum in the absence of her husband and they helped my Oma when my Opa, their own dad, died. They weren’t around all the time but their impact on our lives was significant in my mind.

They taught me that being tough is a girl thing too in a way that my Mum [who, for the record was VERY tough] couldn’t because she was too busy trying to teach me to be a lady. Like the time that she found 10 year old me in the local park in a fist fight with some older boys who were bullying one of the neighbourhood kids. She was SO cross with me and drove me straight to my Oma’s where my Uncle Arthur was visiting for lunch. She angrily presented me to him “Look at your niece!” she cried, shaking her head at my tangled hair and bloodied knuckles and scraped knees. “What happened?” he roared, furious. And as I told him of how I defended that other kid and stood up to the ring-leader, with a shaky voice still full of adrenaline and a darkness in my eyes which all my family share when angry, his face softened… and then he almost smiled [and I understand now that he wasn’t furious at me but at who had done that to me] “Did you hurt that little bastard?” Puzzled, I nodded, unsure of where this was headed and he kissed me on the top of the head, put his hands on my shoulders and looked me square in the eye and said “Good. I’m PROUD of you. Now go and clean yourself up like a good girl” Of course, that wasn’t the end of it and quite the debate ensued between brother and sister over the rights and wrongs of fighting things out but what that did for me that day was empower me. I was still in trouble with my Mum but I felt like I was part of a bigger thing and that someone else ‘got’ me and had my back – and that someone was a man. In hindsight, I realise that I have always yearned for non-sexual male approval and I understand that I would probably be in a very different place today if I hadn’t had the support from my Uncles in my formative years.

My boys have their dad in their lives. He’s present and hands-on and an amazing role model but that doesn’t make their Uncles any less relevant or necessary in my mind. They adore their Uncle Jason. He grew up with their Mum and can stand up to her without getting into a fight. He tells them stories of when we were kids and the things we used to get up to. He makes a point of sharing his time equally between the two and uses every opportunity to teach them any small thing. He demonstrates that family doesn’t have to all live under one roof to love each other and that siblings are siblings forever. The time that he spends with the boys is all about the boys. There are no chores or distractions for him. His job isn’t to discipline them but we share the same values so his messages are consistent with mine. He’s a bit cool so the kids sort of idolise him and he knows it so uses that status to educate them without them even knowing what’s going on. He is always respectful of and to their parents, though he often makes a point of telling me what a bitch I am to them when they’re out of earshot.

Of course there are plenty of lessons that he can’t teach my boys but that’s the thing about Uncles. They don’t have to. For me it’s enough that my kids know that someone else knows them and loves them. That a man, who is not their father can show them strength and affection. 

And that I was right. My little brother is a kick-arse uncle.