Tuesday, 18 June 2013

27 reasons women don’t want to have sex

Hey guys.

How many times have you had sex this month? 

Not as many as you would like, I bet.

Well, there’s a reason for that and it’s probably on this list...

1. You don’t pay any attention to our mind’s needs.
Surely by now you know that the best foreplay is that which involves stimulating our mind first. Not sure what that involves? Talking. About stuff that interests us. Not sure what interests us? It's going to be a long time between drinks for you buddy.

2. You don’t make any effort to get us in the mood.
See above

3. You don’t clean up after yourself.
We get sick of doing all the cleaning. Especially cleaning up after you. Pick up after yourself and then maybe you’ll ‘pick up’.

4. We’re tired.
That’s a legitimate reason. Maybe if we didn’t have to do all your fucking washing, we would have more energy.

5. We spend our whole life looking after your kids first, your home second and ourselves last. There’s not a lot left for you.
Yes, it’s in that order. If you want to change it, try helping out at home and there may be something left for you.

6. We’re bored.
Beware the bored woman. We end up online or scrapbooking or eating.

7. We don’t like the way our bodies feel/look.
Our body changed after childbirth and we haven’t reconciled that yet. Or we’ve hit forty and the boobs have hit the floor. Unlike you guys, the way we feel about ourselves affects our libido. Right or wrong, that’s a fact.

8. We really do have a head ache.
Again, legitimate reason. The last thing you want when your head is pounding, is a pounding. Right?

9. We’re scared the kids are going to walk in.
Do I need to explain this?

10. We’re annoyed that you just don’t get it.
The fact that someone has to write a list about all the reasons we don’t want to have sex with you is a turn off.

11. You think your hard dick is our responsibility.
It’s not. You wake up with that thing. Sort it out.

12. You need to have sex to feel loved. We need to feel loved to have sex. STALEMATE

13. We’ve just had a baby.
And there are a hundred reasons that varies from woman to woman. From stitches to c-sections to extra, extra weight, to uncontrollable emotions, to pain, to haemorrhoids, to bleeding. We’ve just had a baby. Give us a break.  

14. We’re breastfeeding.
And suddenly our boobs take on a whole new meaning for us. They’re feeding your baby and that’s not as easy and gorgeous as it looks. Our nipples are cracked and our breasts are sore. They probably leak and we feel very much like a cow. That’s not a fuckable feeling.

15. We don’t want to get pregnant... again.
What’s the ONLY way we know that’s not going to happen?? You got it. Just say ‘no’.

16. Your mother is in the next room.
That’s all.

17. It’s too cold.

18. It’s too hot.

19. We have our period.
That means bleeding and cramps. In the legs, in the back, in the stomach. Very unsexy.

20. We’re just not interested in sex at the moment.

21. We just had sex yesterday.
You want to do it again?

22. We just had sex last week.
You want to do it again?

23. You take too long.
Hurry up. There are kids in the house and your mum’s in the next room and your washing needs to be done.

24. You don’t take long enough.
Is that it? FFS. Give us a minute to get there too.

25. We just got our hair done.
That’s expensive. Don’t mess it up.

26. We resent your freedom.
We’ve had your baby[s] and you remain unchanged. We’re dealing with changed bodies and changed lifestyles. Our emotions are inextricably linked to our children and for some of us that’s a massive adjustment to take on. Some of us are housebound. Some of us are depressed. All of us are tired. You go to work. Talk to grown-ups. Play golf. Ride your bike. Come home and want sex. Ummm... no thanks. Arsehole.

27. You're not Christian Grey. 

Disclaimer #1 – this list is NOT about me and my husband [though I did contribute to it]. It’s a compilation from my friends and their husbands.

Disclaimer #2 – I KNOW this is a generalisation and I KNOW it’s written from a heterosexual, middle-aged, mother's perspective. It’s the only perspective I have.

This list is, by no means, complete... Can you contribute?


  1. It's not an exhaustive list I am sure but a lot of this and more, (pregnancy, breast feeding and periods aside) can and does relate to we men sometimes too. After dealing with demanding bosses, customers, officials, bankers, creditors, worrying where the money will come from for the next staff pay run, landlords rental payment or next sale, it is tough on men too. If you hadn't realised, it's war out there in small business, whether you own one or work in one. So, coming home from the trenches to our partner who needs us to consider this 'list' is all well and good. Don't get me wrong, we need to keep this type of thing in mind for both our sakes, but at those times when you are bruised, battered and bleeding from a day at the office pandering to everybody else's needs and demands, where giving your all has not been enough, then please cut us some slack if our not connecting with and acting on your list does not work for you. At those times, this makes you just one more area of demand upon us and then we probably dont want sex with you anyway.

    1. Hi Anonymous - thanks for your male perspective. Your list is legitimate too. Of course we don't expect to you pander to our needs and demands and we ask you only to consider the 'list' in support of the cold shoulder you may get when looking for some intimate loving :)

  2. I like point 5. You spend all your time looking after my kids first, my house second and you last, then not much left for the man in your life. Really??!! We men spend out time busting our arses at jobs to pay for the kids health, clothing, keep, sport, schooling, a roof over our collective heads, keep food on the table, pay the endless power bills after you guys keep every light on made by man, maintain the house, car,deal with your mother,and every other being and man made thing that causes you a hassle. Most men I know put you, their kids and everything else before themselves and their health and well being. That's why many of us die before you. Our mothers never had nor needed a 'list'. They got on with what needed to be done. Get on with it and stop being a Princess

    1. Hi Anonymous - thanks for your comment :) Of course you're right, you men spend a crazy amount of your time looking after your family too. It's why we love you and what makes a partnership work. I'm just wondering though, when you speak of our mothers just getting on with 'what needed to be done' are you referring to them servicing their husband's sexual needs?

  3. Thank You. I have been having this conversation with my husband just....well everyday and he has the deer in the head lights look every time. I am going to ask him to read it, and maybe afterwards we can attempt to have a real conversation.

    1. Thank YOU Tiffany! Print it out and keep it by the bed ;)

  4. Come on Mate, it's only a blog.
    Sounds as though YOU, Anonymous, haven't been getting it for a while.
    And it wouldn't matter who you were married to, the problem would follow you around like a bad smell.

  5. Great list, it had me both laughing AND nodding my head in recognition - thank you!

    1. thank YOU for your comment... I love it when I know someone else can relate :)

  6. Hilarious! Particularly 22 and 23. Those who don't get the humorous side of this need to take a chill pill.