Tuesday, 23 July 2013

I'm a mum but...

I don’t like kids.

Well, it’s not so much that I don’t like them but more that they annoy the living shit out of me.

I know, that’s going to really surprise some of you, but I’m all about keeping it real and though I do, truly, love being a mum and love my boys, kids in general suck.

Now, I can put up with all the infuriating things my kids do because the upside is the love and joy they bring to my heart and life. Most times that’s tipped in their favour. Most times.

But when the kid’s not mine … weeeelll….I... struggle. And when a mum pushes her annoying kid onto me I can barely disguise my disdain.

Example. “Go on, Annoying Johnny, give Tania a kiss and a hug. Go on, show her that cute little dance move you do. Oh go on, sing that song you sing to me – she’ll love it.”

NO. No, I won’t. 

Dear parent of annoying kid, I’m glad you think it’s cute that your kid sings, dances, counts with claps and spins like a whirling dervish but I really don’t. I don’t care.

The thing is, sometimes I care. The same way I care about some grown-ups and not so much others. Some kids I can connect with and I’m genuinely amused with every little expression on their face. But there’s PLENTY that do not amuse me. There’s plenty that just piss me off and most of the time I deal with that the way I do anything annoying -- by ignoring them. By not engaging with them.

Oh and don’t even get me started on the ‘birthday’ parent. You know who you are. You’re the one that offers your kid to help blow out someone else’s birthday cake. THAT DRIVES ME MAD. It’s not their birthday. That day is not about YOUR CHILD. Sometimes, the world doesn’t revolve around kids. It’s a lesson in resilience and humility that they need to learn. Also, when kids blow – they spit. I can tell you now that I will not eat any cake that a kid has blown the candles out on. Blegh.

I dread school concerts. I resist school plays. I downright refuse invitations to ballet recitals. Unless the stage is full of child prodigies [which my kids ain’t] then I’ve just spent $10-$30 to sit in a school hall on Facebook.

Yep, kids are annoying. And after two weeks straight with them during the school holidays I've come up with the following list. It's far from complete. Just saying.

My top 5 most annoying things kids [especially including mine] do are:

1. Interrupt incessantly

I’m TALKING. My mouth is moving, sound is coming out and hopefully an adult is listening. If I’m not talking then I’m trying to listen to someone else who is. Whether they are in front of me or on the phone now is not the time that I want to hear from you.

2. Involve themselves in grown up conversation

I’m sorry, how interested in your primary school opinion do you think I am? And kids who correct their parents during a conversation that doesn’t involve them. And kids who eavesdrop. And kids who flap about saying ‘she said the F word’. And kids who think it’s cool to be a smart arse to their parents in front of other grown-ups. And... and... and...

3. Use that annoying, whining voice

Mum, mum, mum, mum... It’s not fair. He hit me. Can I have a [insert something they’re not allowed to have]? Can we go? I’m bored? Why do I have to do that? SHUT.UP. My youngest is a drama queen and does this thing when he’s upset, particularly when he’s over-tired, where he will just cry. Out loud. It’s insane. And I tell him so. “If you’re going to make that noise, you need to take yourself to your bedroom because I do not want to hear it”. Mostly that just turns it into a wimper, but he gets the point.

4. Put their filthy hands all over the food

Kids do not wash their hands properly. It’s a fact. Also, I have seen mine wash their hands and walk out the bathroom picking their nose. What. The. Fuck. So, I hate it when they put their hands all over my food. When I entertain I purposely put out kids’ snacks and grown up snacks. Partly because I buy expensive cheese for the adults and the kids get cheap crap but mainly because I don’t like to share with grots. It makes me wild when mums let their kid’s hands on my grown up snacks. Especially the indecisive ones that have to pick up every fucking thing and put it back before they choose.

5. Complain about life

Actually, I haven’t heard many other kids do this but I’m sure they do. When mine complain about their life I go a bit mental. They’ve got the greatest life in existence. And the best mum. Be grateful.

Be honest... what annoys YOU about kids? And if you say nothing... can you please babysit mine this weekend?


  1. LOVE this, thank you!! And I can relate to other people's kids - I always wondered if it was just me, cos I love my kids dearly, but other people's are just, well annoying!! Haha!

  2. Thank you, I thought it may have been some sort of serious flaw I have. I foolishly believed that being a parent would mean that all kids suddenly become delightful company...not sporadically irritating dumb people you have to feed every 3-4 hours. I do love my children very much of course, but I have taken 39yrs to get to where I am mentally and I don't always understand or appreciate the smaller versions of me...

  3. Ahhh yes, the annoying interrupting primary school child who thinks they know better than the adult. My eldest is like that, drives me MENTAL. He also had a friend who I cant stand, hes a bragger and a know it all, thankfully we have changed schools and we dont have to see this kid very much any more. Dont get me wrong, I too, love my children to bits but yes, you are right, other peoples children are usually just plain annoying. Wow, maybe Im not as nice a person as I thought I was!!

  4. Wow....all I can say is children are not another species, they are actually people too. Before we know it our children will be all grown up (and their friends)and I wonder what they will think of you then (after they have been frowned upon and ignored, I doubt they would ever want to eat at one of your dinner parties after being treated as less than human. Yes children can be annoying (as can many adults)take a deep breath, relax and enjoy them while they are young. Be in the moment, embrace their friends, then they will be proud to have you as a mother and be more likely to open up and talk to you as teenagers. Children will be more likely to repect you and do what they are told, if you play with them, get down on their level, have fun, find your inner child, dance.......and have fun!
    As for number 5. Complaining; this is learnt trait (and as this entire article is basically one large complaint), you could role model more positive statements and try to use optimistic statements with them and your children will follow with the same behavior. Learnt optimism is a very important skill for children to learn and it can protect them in later life from developing depression. Hope this helps.

  5. There you go, there's that babysitter you were looking for! :)