Sunday, 24 August 2014

Nearly 27 Reasons Women Want To Have Sex

Ok. So not long ago I wrote 27 Reasons Women Don’t Want to Have Sex and the interwebs went a bit mental. Rousing applause and support from the majority and some scathing commentary from a loud minority. Lots of offence was taken and there was rabid disbelief that I could write something so sexist, generalised and delusional. To those people I apologise and gently suggest to lighten the fuck up.

Further, I will offer a counter blog to my well-researched and substantiated list of reasons women don’t want to get laid. Yes, I have gathered more intel. This time, it’s a list of reasons women DO want to have sex. I tried REALLY hard to come up with 27 reasons, but I couldn’t make it past 21...

Again, I will remind you – dear reader – that I write from the perspective of a middle-aged, heterosexual woman because that is what I am. I don’t apologise for that or my point of view so if either offends you, step away from the blog.

1. We love good dads
Watching a man, particularly our man, being awesome with kids, particularly our kids, is like an aphrodisiac on steroids for us mother-type chicks.

2. Handy-men are hot
Women dig guys who can do things. Things with tools. Around the house. Go hang some pictures or put together some flat-packed furniture or mow the lawn. Hell, just wear a tool belt around your waist with a hammer hanging off it.

3. Our minds are stimulated
Not so good on the tools? Don’t worry about it! If you can hold a conversation about a topic that your fair lady is interested in, you’re in. Remember in my other list where I said ‘you don’t pay attention to our minds needs’? Well, here’s your opportunity.

4. We’re in love
Now this can be confusing, because shouldn’t we all be in love with our significant other? Of course the answer is yes but sometimes life makes it hard to be in love. Even with the man we love. There are times though, that even if the sparkle has dulled, that we remember the man we fell in love with. Maybe we’ve just enjoyed a rare date night. Or maybe we’ve watched our favourite movie again together. Or maybe he just looked at us the way he used to before life. Massive turn-on.

5. We’re relaxed
The housework is done, the kids are away/asleep/watching tv, there’s nowhere we need to be and nothing we need to do except share some lovin’ with our man.

6. It’s that time of the month
No, not the other time. The good time. The time when all the hormones travel south and beckon our lover. It’s a small window, but it exists.

7. We’re feeling sexy
It could be something as simple as a new outfit, or a change of hairstyle or a couple of kilos lost/gained. Whatever the reason, when we are feeling good about ourselves physically we want to feel good physically… get what I mean? *Wink, wink.

8. We’re feeling grateful
We’ve just watched our man cook dinner, wash the dishes and put the kids to bed while we’ve done whatever it is we need to do [finish off some work, catch up on some emails, watch Offspring] and suddenly it’s like we’ve been bitten by the love bug.

9. We want to make up
What’s some of the greatest sex you’ll ever have? All together now ‘make-up sex!’ We’ve had a row that was heated enough to cause some shouting and general pissed-offedness but not bad enough to throw your shit out on the footpath. Meet you in the bedroom buddy.

10. We want to get pregnant
Fellas, listen up. This is the best time for you to get laid. No contraception. No holding back. Just knock me up baby!

11. We ARE pregnant
Seriously. All sorts of shit happens when you’re pregnant and some of that is horniness. Plus there’s an old wives tale [probably made up by husbands] that having sex can bring on labour. Let’s get it on to get this out!

12. We’re feeling loved
This is important. If a woman feels loved, and that’s different for all of us, then sex comes easily – so to speak. A thoughtful gift for no reason. A neck massage with no expectation. Freshly picked flowers from the garden with a cup of tea. Kindness is next to horniness.

13. We’ve just watched something really hot on tv
Or read something really hot in a book. Either way – you’re in.

14. We’re tipsy
WARNING – this does not AUTOMATICALLY mean we’re up for it BUT… chances are we’re tipsy because we’ve been out. If we’ve been out, we might have been wearing something new so now we’re feeling sexy. The kids are probably being babysat, for us to go out so we’re also relaxed. We are talking the perfect sex storm here.

15. It’s been a long time between drinks
Maybe we’ve been sick. Maybe he’s been sick. Maybe the whole family has been sick. Maybe one of us has been away for work. Maybe we’ve just had a baby and haven’t had let you near us for months. Whatever, a woman is not a camel [or something like that].

16. We’re dreaming
And by the time we realise that it’s NOT Brad Pitt [or insert suitable heart-throb here] who is tenderly waking us from our much needed slumber, we’re already into it. DISCLAIMER: this is NOT fool proof and there is a high probability that this scenario will not end well but it has been known to end happily on occasion

17. We love having sex
That’s all

18. We want something
This is a tried and tested negotiating tactic. The old “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”

19. We want the exercise
Ok. I have to tell you that this was my husband’s contribution to the list. I stupidly told him that I was struggling to come up with 27 reasons and he suggested this. “But honey, imagine the calories you can burn”… clearly the romance is not dead here.

20. We want to say thanks
For the surprise trip away to a gorgeous B&B or something sparkly in a little blue box or even just all those flirty, loving texts we've been getting all day. Being spoilt and adored is incredibly arousing.

21.  We’re horny
Yes, that actually does happen for no other reason than – we want a bit.

PS: Initially I was going to write a follow up post to 27 Reasons Women Don't Want to Have Sex with 27 Reasons Men Don't Want to Have Sex but after extensive research and surveys couldn't come up with even one reason. True. Story.

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